Mrs. Happy Pants

I'm not dead yet.

2011-10-16T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'm just incredibly busy with school. If I'm not in class, I'm studying or working to pick up cash since I'm not working full time and student loans cover so little. I am trying to fit in runs, and I have my husband added on to my student gym membership. If my student fees pay for it, might as well use it. So we've attempted to do that in the mornings before class/work. However we've been shitty lately because we're both so zonked and want the extra hour of sleep. No excuses. I am trying to run at least once a week. I'd rather it be 3 times or daily, but I'll take what I can get right now.
I am no thinner than I was a year ago. That annoys me. However, I am "only" 5 lbs heaver than I was in January. Considering how much time I have been sitting on my ass in a classroom and sitting on my ass and studying, it could be worse. But it could be better. "Only 5 lbs." It's never really "only" is it when it comes to fat people gaining weight. Any gain is shit. So yeah. That's not acceptable.

I am not inspiring or glorious or one of those faboo words, so if you're looking for that, go to someone on my sidebar. In the meantime, I'll try to lose the rest of my fat .
For the record, October is the best time to run outside. I declare this as fact. I'm getting as much as I can, but I don't get home until 4:30, there's dinner and I have to give the husband some face time so he remembers me, and it gets dark around 7, so it's not always easy. But damn it feels great.
So, anyway, I'm not quitting the weight loss/healthy living game. I just don't have time to write about it. If I have to choose between living it and writing about it, I'm going to live it and let the writing go.
Be healthy, and if I don't see you before then, I "may" have some free time in July of 2013. :)

So here's the thing...

2011-07-26T19:12:00.000-04:00

Lest ye think I forgot about trying to get healthy/be healthy, I have not. Time for blogging just isn't something I have in spades, so I'd rather just do things instead of writing about things that are likely quite mundane to the majority of people. Like what I ate or did or did not do for exercise that day, how classes went...did I go to work that day? You know, boring stuff. No insult to those who manage to keep up blogging, but I can't seem to manage it lately. That being said, here's the write up for my potential master's project. I'm supposed to start it for realz in the fall, but they have us doing pre-emptive stuff during the summer session. Namely, an annotated bibliography. AKA pain in the ass. This will help later, so they tell me...
So anyway, here it is in it's rough rough rough draft form. Actually, this isn't a draft, just an abstract.
Any and all comments are welcome.
XOXOXO,
Me
p.s. In case you were missing the mundane deetz of my life, I'm going to go mow the lawn with the push mower now. I need to get my sweat on with actual movement. With the hellish heat around nya the last week or so, exercise has been non-existent. It will be nice to say I did something to earn the sweat instead of just breathing, which is what has been the case recently.

Weight bias, and its impact on health care seeking by obese patients

The issue of obesity has become an increasing cause and comorbidity for a number of health problems. There is no doubt that, left unchecked, it will kill and harm untold numbers of people and be a drain on the health care system as a whole. Unfortunately, it is not a cut and dried issue of a disease needing a cure. The causes and contributing factors to obesity are still not completely understood. Complicating the matter is the stigma associated with obesity/overweight. Obese and overweight individuals are well aware of the biases society and professionals have toward them due to their weight. In spite of their increased health risks due to obesity, they are loathe to seek medical care due to these biases and sometimes unpleasant treatment they receive on a personal level. This hesitation to seek healthcare can further exacerbate their symptoms, and leave them vulnerable to further complications and possibly deadly consequences of their excess weight. Moreover, by not seeking any health care, or not receiving it while there, they are not receiving potential assistance in reducing excess weight, and thus, improving their health status and future health.

This paper is a literature review of the research done in the areas of weight biases in healthcare, the impact they have upon health seeking behaviors on the part of patients and their preventative care.

Additionally there will be a search for literature offering potential solutions to weight bias affecting care and ultimately getting patients the care they need before things become too critical for their health to be salvaged.

A history in chemicals...

2011-07-05T21:39:00.001-04:00

In order to self-medicate/self-soothe from age 6-19, I used compulsive overeating, plus a brief affair with purging (age 17-19).
Then we discovered the magic of better living through chemistry...

In the beginning, there was...Paxil---age 19
Zoloft---age 22
Serzone---age 24
Effexor XR---age 25
Effexor XR + Wellbutrin SR---age 27
Wellbutrin SR---age 27
Wellbutrin SR + Effexor XR---age 27 Can you tell that 27 was a fun year for me???
Effexor XR---age 29
NOTHING---age 31 <---Insert nervous breakdown/ very ugly discovery that I truly need chemical antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds here.
Prozac---age 31
Prozac +Wellbutrin XR---age 32
Age 34-----Prozac +Wellbutrin XR + RUNNING = best antidepressant/anti-anxiety agent ever for me.
Crazy shit, yo.

I know, right?

2011-06-14T19:15:00.000-04:00

My last entry was a bit pissy, and then I disappeared. Well, I thought I'd write over my "summer break," but I didn't. I spent my time in the yard, traveling back and forth for the brother's wedding stuff (less than 2 weeks away, yo). And general shenanigans. Okay, there were naps. Shenanigans were pretty rare.
I believe I had THE most boring break of all my classmates, but I exercised, I ate better, and actually lost at least 4 lbs (shark week, so I don't know the true loss, at the moment).
Read lots of blogs, commented a smidge, but that's all I contributed to the fatosphere.
I know people worry when bloggers stop writing. I do, myself. But in my case, I'm just busy doing stuff away from a computer. I figure this is good because I'm not sitting on my ass for long stretches, if nothing else.
Thanks to Krissie, I started using myfitnesspal.com just to see if it's better than sparkpeople. *shrug* They aren't wildly different, but their food info is way better, in my opinion. I dunno, I think I'll stay with them for now for my tracking needs. Sorry sparkpeople, if I get tired of tracking with them, I'll be back to you. Either way, I need to track somewhere. That's just how it is. Even if I don't for a few days, I have to go back to it. It really keeps me eating healthier. I hate that I need it, but it is what it is. Not keeping track got me fat. Tracking helps me lose weight or maintain it.
So yeah, don't worry. I will still check in, and like I said a while ago, I still update my tumblr almost daily with a grateful picture. It also has some of my random Twitter quotes in there. No idea how they decide which ones go on my tumblr. Don't really care.
So if you actually miss reading/seeing my shit on a more regular basis (HA) go here:
http://mrshappypants.tumblr.com/

Keep fighting the good fight against our self-destructive sides and know I'm still there with you, fighting my own demons, even if I'm not writing at length.

Shocking but true

2011-05-15T19:40:00.000-04:00

I am still alive, and I survived my first semester. I am no fatter than I was 6 months ago, however, I am also not thinner. I ate stuff, or more accurately drank stuff that would make the diehards (who I still read, but don't compare to, even slightly) shit themselves. Still overweight, not obese, and currently experiencing shark week.
I've gone through some interesting things in the last 5 months, mentally, and frankly I am a bit grumpy at the moment. I have been all week. Thanks, hormones. I love being pissy and hating myself even though I haven't done anything monumentally stupid in between the "okay with" me and "what the fuck is wrong with me" time. Gotta love shark week.

Now that the dust from the prior semester has settled, I am looking around and seeing what time I squandered that I could have spent a) making my house nice, and b) making my body a lot closer to the "me ideal". That is, the best body I can have. I won't grow taller, but I can make my body thinner and stronger. I still want the stronger part. More than ever, maybe.
My attitude has shifted a little as far as exercise options. I am now (or was before the semester ended) taking zumba/cardio dance classes at the gym at school. I paid the fees, might as well use it. I look awful, but I enjoy it thoroughly. This is definitely a shift for me. However...my running has suffered, especially during studying crunch times, which is ahhhh the last 4 months. And I feel like if it's not running...well, it doesn't count for me. I know, until about a year ago, I never ran unless I was being chased or playing with my nieces and nephews. And doing other things like mowing the lawn with the push mower burns calories... But I'm different now. I demand more from myself. Because I can.

Running makes me feel like I'm pushing my body to its real limits, not what's in my head. I'm working my heart, stretching my lungs, and sweating the fat and fear and pain out.

Granted, during heavy study weeks, I settled with letting Zumba be my substitute for cardio, but now I'm wringing my hands at the thought of running a 5K next weekend (the anniversary of my 1st 5K), because I'm so NOT in shape for it. I've also been battling a cold/chest congestion/phlegm fest for the last month that I can't seem to shake the last of. And when you can't breathe too well sitting on your ass, breathing while running is not as easy as it was (which it isn't). At least I'm not blowing my nose every 5 seconds and getting stuff from my nose and I hadn't seen since my childhood. That part has since passed a few weeks ago. Waaaaaahh. Yeah, I know. Big fucking deal. I'm not looking for pity, just saying that it wasn't pure laziness that's sidelined this hippo for the last month. But still, a lot of laziness.Too much.

So that's what's up 'round nya. You've got a cranky pants who's working toward getting to Mrs. Happy Pants again.
TANGENT...I know a lot of you read Chris. If you don't you should. Anyway, she talks about digging down to see why you're pulling yourself down in whatever ways. Digging around in chicken shit to clean the coop, I believe is the analogy. This actually makes me want to barf a little because I have seen a barn full of chickens (yay mullet hunting!) and seen and smelled their shit. It's very unpleasant (<-------understatement). So she gets a little more of a visceral response out of me from her analogy than some people, I imagine. At any rate, I think of her analogy often, and she often refers to it herself, even though she's been so much more focused on herself and improving herself in every area. You'd think she wouldn't need to, but she does anyway. Things like to creep up on us, and she still has to poke a stick at the demons trying to get in the door, once in a while. Selfishly (in my opinion), I am relieved that she is still a "soldier" against the tyranny of self, as I am. And yet, I'm proud of and encouraged by her success. So it isn't schadenfreude, bitches. More of a...she has to fight forever, too. I won't be the only one who's never totally "cured." ANYWAY...I was giving credit because she's, you know, right. So. I've found myself feeling unpleasant feelings about things I didn't know I still cared about. Or things I wouldn't think about because I didn't want to waste energy on them. Or things I didn't even know I cared about. The feelings have manifested themselves in the last few months in pissy moods, dragging through a day, or my personal favorite, NIGHTMARES!!! One night this week, I covered so many areas of resentment/fear/insecurity over the course of my sleep, I awoke feeling like I had run a race. I even took a minute to make a list of all the areas that were covered. Crazy shit.
Anyway, this is a roundabout way of saying that you may see some bitching and "what the fuck"-ing and postulating and ruminating. AND asking for opinions. And these things aren't directly about weight loss and health. So I'm sorry if you're disappointed. But then again, they are. When left to fester, eventually, my eating gets disrupted. Later than it used to, but still disrupted. Eventually, everything that rots will smell bad. My dysfunctional thought patterns are no exception. Eventually they stink with the stench of poor food choices and slovenly behavior.
So there it is. All over the place as usual. You know you missed it.

In case you were wondering where I am...

2011-03-27T16:15:00.000-04:00

I got a tumblr account. It allows me to post little shit I find interesting, funny, inspiring, or all of the above.
More lengthy stuff will be here, but since I lack the time for posts of any length until Anatomy is over (May 3rd), I may stick some stuff on tumblr instead. If I can find time for that.
Weighed in today and am pleased with the direction things are going. 3 pounds less than 10 days ago. I'll take it.
Here:
http://mrshappypants.tumblr.com/

Follow, or not :)
-Me

Boring update thing

2011-03-23T19:24:00.000-04:00

Hey there. Still here. Back to classes. Yawn. For you, not me. Yes I get tired, but I have too much to do to be bored.
Still running. I am actually getting faster, I think. Go figure! My endurance still displeases me, but that's endurance for you. You have to keep doing it to build it.
Being much better with my food. It's happy bleeding pants time again, so my weight is not exactly reliable, in my opinion. As in, sometimes it's high, sometimes it seems ridiculously low in light of prior weigh-ins. Yay, hormones.
Other than that, I don't have much to offer, other than persistance. I'm a stubborn bitch, and occasionally it works in my favor (persistance).
I have much studying to do for Anatomy. As usual. As much fun as your pelvis can be (insert 70's porn music here), I find myself rather despising the studying of it for that class. And I've thought of going into the OB/GYN field!
I also have to find a fad diet to critique for my Obesity class. As in, what is it, what does it claim, pros and cons, etc. I'm picking the Hollywood Cookie diet. Why? Because it cracks my still fat ass up. But it's due Friday, so I need to get cracking.
A lot of us are under more stress than usual it seems, but we can make it.
As the 12-step kids say, keep on keeping on, guys.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

2011-03-17T11:00:00.002-04:00

I'm sure you can guess which one I am.

Have fun today, but don't forget, kids:
Irish food and beer is fattening. Celebrate the Irish with a green salad.

Edited to add:
I just ran outside (that means hills) on this glorious day for a little over 2 miles in about 32 minutes (including walk breaks). That's decent for me. My time is improving.

It felt and still feels SO GOOD.

Thanks y'all

2011-03-14T13:23:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the comments, guys. I should have just looked at my stats counter thingy. I tend to forget about it, go figure.
Today feels better. It probably helps that I mysteriously lost 3.7 pounds between yesterday and today. Yay water retention. The fact that when I took my socks off after work to go to bed they had left inprints in my ankles was a clue that it wasn't all fat. Regardless, still too much fat there, so let's keep this train rolling.

Is anyone even reading this?

2011-03-13T18:20:00.000-04:00

Just curious. I dropped off the planet for a few weeks there and am writing more about my stuff and less about weight loss. But where I am concerned, it's all connected. More than ever, actually, since I actually want to be "someone who exercises regularly" and therefore have to fit it into my schedule somehow.
I hope the negativity hasn't chased everyone away, but it's kind of what's been floating in my giant head.
I need to get it out of there instead of having a big mug of milk or sleeping too much.
So is anyone still reading this?
Yes, the writing is for me, but I like feedback. Even when someone tells me I am wrong and they have a way that's better and works for them. Especially then.
Lent starting up got me thinking about how lax I've been about eating less (and doing anything resembling housecleaning) while working on school. I have to concentrate when it comes to my eating, otherwise I will eat the wrong things. Or at least, more calorically heavy than I should if trying to lose weight. I really have to stop and ask myself if I am hungry or is it just a good time for a meal? Am I binging? No. Grazing? No. But I am eating too many calories to have weight loss. There. I said it. If I am going to go the distance with my running, I need to match it with my food choices. For real. Not just maintenance calories. And definitely not maintentance plus a beer or two. I am not young, they are. An hour of exercise erases the 5 beers they had the night before. Three hours won't erase the 2 beers I had. I have to experience hunger again. That's how this works. Thank God for people like Christine and Allan and Phoenix Revolution Christine who still go balls out every day to remind me where I need to be with my eating and exercise. But also, thank God for people like Anne of Smaller Fun Pants, who feel discouraged sometimes but still keep going. Her persistance means more than she realizes, I bet.
I could list more people that help keep me in the game (like Beth because I just love reading her, even when she's raging against herself, because I do that, too), but it might seem like a lame attempt to get comments by mentioning names. I didn't hyperlink their blogs for that very reason.
Anyway, I guess I'm going all over, but I'm soliciting at least one comment to know I'm not just talking to myself.
Oh, and I'm on Spring Break, if you're wondering why I've posted more in the last few days than I had in weeks. I think I have to set aside time to write at least once a week to keep my health focus and my sanity, instead of just cruising my blog reader for a few minutes a day.
Toodles.

Sometimes I surprise myself

2011-03-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

These last 2 months have been filled with a lot of anxiety and self-doubt. In part because I'm embarking on a new education/ future career adventure, and in part because it entails revisiting some demons from academic failure past. There's also that whole, "past my prime" issue I have to deal with because all but maybe one of my classmates are younger than me. I discovered 2 are actually 32, but the one who may be older also has 2 kids, 4 and 6 years old. So, I feel I can give her wider berth, there. She's paid her dues, so to speak, whereas I have not. I have still not gotten to that "what I want to do as a career for as long as possible" point. Working on it, yes. Going to school for it, yes. But being 35 and being 25 going for the same profession are quite different in terms of achievement in my opinion. One of my favorite classmates is actually 23. An old soul, but 23. I know many people feel, and I try to keep thinking of it this way, myself, that I am where I am supposed to be. God has a plan. My other plans didn't work because they weren't supposed to. I needed the detours to make me a better practitioner when I finish school. Maybe I will be better than I would have been. I'd like to think so. I know I'd be better now than who I was 10 years ago. Still...I'm nagged by all the time I wasted. So much time. But there's nothing I can change about that now. No time machines, yet. And unfortunately, some of these lessons that are ingrained in me now, were not teachable for me. Not then, anyway. I hate that about myself. That I was so unteachable in some ways. The same goes for my body relationship. The desire and want to be physically in shape (no, I'm not yet) just did not exist before.
I don't know if it could have been ingrained in me then, 10 years ago.
The food plans, yes, but the mindset? I want to tell myself I was doing the best with what I had at the time, but I am still filled with an unpleasant amount of regret. All the years I lost, then gained weight. The times I let exercise putter out because I had no real desire to do it. My utter lack of desire to do a lot of things, like sexing my mate. Yes, I went there.
Sure, I can chalk some things up to untreated/undertreated depression, but really, it was the way I thought about life in general for most of my life. My attitude. And frankly, it sucked. And frankly, I really don't like that about myself. That I could have done something (many somethings) better but didn't. Am I doing better things now? Yes. But all that time I wasted being fat and unfun...Time time time...And I guess that brings me around to how I surprised myself.

In an attempt to get back to 5K endurance, with decent running speed, I've started doing week 5 (again) in C25K. Then continue walk/running until I've covered the distance of a 5K.Why week 5? Honestly, because I hate dealing with timing in 30 second increments. Lame, but true. And I was going to force that level of endurance, even if my inner whiner said it was too hard. So I have been doing it again, but sticking with the 5 minute running jags.

Day one, Monday, I did the 5's and went to Zumba afterward. Didn't do Zumba on Wed, because it turns out that the pixie teaches that one too, so I'd get no variety there, and my girls had an exam Thursday they were stressing over.
So I decided to gym it on Thursday instead to get my day 2 in.

Well on day 2, you go to two 8 minute running jags. So this week I did that on day 2 (Thursday morning)...and snuck in extra time to make it 10 minute runs. Watching TLC "A Baby Story" with women in hard labor while I was on the treadmill was helpful for the "don't give up" attitude...

Friday, I skipped cardio-dance because one girl was on her way to South Carolina and the other had to watch her niece. Aaaaaaand I was feeling punky, honestly. But I knew I had to get a run in.
Yesterday (Friday, day 3, and no, I didn't bother with a rest day this time) was the day (for some insane reason) the running jumps to 20 minutes. I thought, well, I'll just go as long as I can...Since the first of the year, my definition on the treadmill has been until I don't want to, instead of until I can't. Not this week.
Sooooo yesterday, I was listening to my favorite dude's podcast and watching the college hoops game for my school and decided to just keep running until time was up for the game. Do you know they take a lot of time outs in the last 2 minutes of an SEC tournament basketball game? This helped immensely with my minutes. I figured those fellas were running faster and harder than me, so I should keep going. When the game finally ended (we won), I realized I only had 5 minutes left. So I think to myself: Wouldn't it be nice to have run the whole 20? Why don't we at least go until 2 miles? At nearly 2 miles, I was at 23 minutes (5 minutes walked, 18 run). I'm not about to stop when I have 2 fucking minutes left. I'll slow down, but I'm NOT walking. So, with 27 minutes elapsed (5 walked), my lungs bursting, I slowed to walking. Just like that. Now I have permission to go to week 6 (from myself). I suprised myself. In a good way.
Go figure.

'Sup bitches?

2011-03-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

That's actually how I greet my kitties every time I return home. I think they expect it: the lilt to my voice, more than the words, I imagine, but still...they hear the garage door open and wait at the entrance to the laundry room, watching.
But, aside from just calling you bitches, I actually miss you guys. I try to skim occasionally, but I end up spending too much time online once I get sucked into blogworld. SO I'm reading feeds and trying to at least know how people are doing.

Anyway...Yes, I am still alive, yes, I am still fat, relatively speaking. Which is to say, still fat. Have still not put away that beer and pizza weight I put on a month ago and have not been eating enough clean food. Too many glasses of sugar free hot chocolate, with almonds...Guess who is giving up her precious cocoa for Lent? Yep, me again. No chocolate in any form. No sugared, obviously, but no sugar free either. No sugar free hot chocolate, no chocolate adkins (sp?) protein bars, no anything with a choco flavor. This sucks balls at menses time, but it needs to be done...and probably forever.

Exercise...well, oddly enough, I have shifted gears a little and this week am trying to go full force.

After half assing it a little (compared to the last week) since the last entry, I have officially tried Zumba (last week), but I think our teacher is actually teaching more hip hop moves and booty shaking than Latin dance. I don't really care. I sweat. A lot. I am not the only uncoordinated dancer in the room. Even skinny 20 year olds look horrible sometimes. Friday I went to cardio-dance which ended up being just like Zumba because the teacher was my Zumba pixie, subbing for the cardio dance girl.
And today? Back to Zumba. I also ran for about 30 minutes (intervals, y'all, my endurance is total shit...but that's another post), then went to Zumba. I intend to try the other teacher at Wednesday's class and go to cardio dance on Friday. Plus running to get my damned endurance back without sacrificing my increased (at least a tiny bit) speed.

School...well I had a bit of a meltdown today when I found out my latest Anatomy exam didn't go as well as it felt. I panicked. We have to have a 3.0 to stay in the program. My Anatomy grade is currently a high C...78. I have the obesity class and the intro to the profession class to boost the GPA, but still I got the panic. That-holy shit history is repeating itself-what if I really am retarded-feeling. Then J told me I was being ridiculous, wallowing and needed to go look at the test to see "the discrepancy" between what I thought I knew and what I got wrong. Oh, and chill the fuck out. He may have worded that part differently. Maybe...
A C is so not acceptable to me, and yet I flat out FAILED this course the last time I took it...I keep trying to remind myself this time is different. I know so much more. But a C? Unacceptable.
Two more tests. I can live with a B. I have no choice.
A visit to my Canuck prof and more exercise and clean eating to follow...

So I'm thinking of trying Intuitive Eating...

2011-02-15T19:36:00.002-05:00

HA HA HA. Got ya. Sometimes I feel like being an asshole.

Now I mean no offense to those of you who are doing it, and doing it successfully, but I can say with confidence that sadly, I will not be successful with such a venture. At least not any time in the near future, which, by my calculations, will be in about 40 years? Maybe when I'm 75 I can give it a shot.

Using my "intuition" got me to 230, 254, and 200 lbs in various periods of my life. So yeah, I think that button is broken for me.

That being said, in my limited research in the topic (no, I still haven't made it more than halfway through Women, Food, and God), I have seen a few things that I have tried to adopt and thought I'd share them...

This is partly to see if anyone shares my opinion, and partially to write a post to let my millions of fans (har) know I am still fighting my fat. Side note: There's nothing like dissecting human beings to let you know how truly disgusting our fat is up close, and that one really should strive for health instead of jacking up your body in a myriad of ways...And don't smoke, either. The shit that happens to lungs...those anti-smoking posters aren't totally wrong, even though they are preachy.

ANYWAY...

While I am counting calories and trying to move my ass and burn the fat, this is what I'm also doing...

I am eating more slowly. I'm not 100% on this, but I am making a concerted effort. Why? Because your bod doesn't realize you’re feeding it right away. If you're shoveling it in, you'll have eaten far more before you know you're "done." And then your body really catches up and you feel like you're going to explode. Bad times and you get fatter.

I guess this is along the same lines as the slower eating, but another thing I am trying to do is savor my food.

What's the point of putting it in your body if you don't even register the taste? Might as well drink slim fast all day. And when I reach the point where what I'm eating doesn't really taste good anymore, well, I'm done. I ask myself if I'm eating because it's there or because it tastes good. Is my stomach no longer growling? Is this a normal serving sized portion? Then it's time to be done. The fat on my ass isn't saving anyone from starvation. Throwing some away hurts no one. Unless they're right there and look like they need the food. Then I can give it to them instead of throwing it away. This hasn't happened yet, for the record.

What's not like intuitive eating (that I've seen) with my eating? Well, I'm not eating anything I want. It just can't be that way. I don't need the triggers, the cravings, or the sugar spikes. Just because I could eat one Oreo, doesn't mean I won't be feening for more. And even if I don't eat any more??? I've wasted precious time thinking about eating more Oreos. And all the back and forth and rationalizing and self-loathing and negative self-talk that goes along with that exchange in my head. Even if I only eat one and at the end of the whole thing, I only ate that one before someone else finished it or threw it out, this conversation with myself will happen. I don't need that.

So yeah. That's kind of what's up on my food front. I'm losing that weight I put on over 1st anatomy test time. Still pissed I let it happen at all. Getting the endurance back up with the running. And I ran outside for the first time this year, yesterday. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated by my lack of stamina compared to what I had at 5K race time, but I think I just might be getting my speed up, even outside. And it felt good to be back outside. Mental note, wear something over the mouth when it's freezing and hella windy outside. It hurts my lungs to be huffing and puffing in that weather. Ouch.

I feel like this was all over the place, but I miss writing and miss the feedback (might as well be honest).

Toodles, kids. I'm off to look at drawings of innards.

In case you thought I forgot...

2011-02-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Still around. I let my weight go to shit...actually I just drank empty calories too often in the last week, ate out too much, and wasn't working out ~~at all~~ enough in the last 2 weeks. But when I weighed Friday am, my weight had gone up from my all-time low (this go 'round) to an amount I was/am highly displeased with. I know what I did wrong, food/booze-wise and am now in the process of undoing the damage. I'm pissed that I've done that, and it is a good deterrent from repeating the mistake. The deterrent being the whole avoiding being pissed thing. I hate re-doing my work, unless it's redoing my anatomy notes because it helps the info stick. I don't need help with fat sticking to my ass.
Worked out Friday and today for over an hour each. I'm also pushing myself in my running. Doing week 5 of c25k but running longer than the 5 minute intervals. It will make the 8 minute intervals less painful, in my opinion. I'll be back tomorrow, as it is the best habit I've ever had, and I'd like it to be a real habit.
All that being said, even though I dropped the ball on my body due to my academics, I did have a happy-ish moment.
That killer Anatomy exam I took last Tuesday? I got a B. A low B, but a B. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck afterward. And judging by everyone...and I do mean everyone's faces, even the ones who ended up with A's, everyone felt like they'd been hit by a truck. Taking a 50 minute lab practical and a 2.5 hour written exam can do that. I felt the usual self-loathing that comes upon hearing that at least 15 people scored A's, whereas I had a B (low B). I was hoping my prior experience with the material would help, but as I have said, those memories are blocked from me, more or less, so no dice. That being said, I now know even better how to study based on how it's tested.
Oh, and last time I took Gross? I failed every single fucking test. Failed. As in F (or E, as my university uses for some odd reason).
That B looked pretty damned beautiful to me, after that. As I told people who asked, I'll take it. I want better for the next 3 exams, but I will take this B versus my previous history.
So good news on one front. Now I have to get back to performing well with my food. As in, don't drink your entire limit of calories for the day before you even start counting the food. And for fuck's sake don't do it twice in one week. I got to pretend I was "normal" for about a week there. It was kind of fun. The socializing while drinking was fun, no doubt. The rewarding aspects, however, did not outweigh the penalty. Namely my ass fatness. Furthermore, I'm not normal, not with food or drink. I always have to keep that in mind.
Now off to examine the deep back muscles...

You know, I should be tired of saying how dumb I am, but...

2011-01-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

Quick-ish post...
Why am I dumb? Well, I guess stubborn ass is more like it. Especially since I am able to speak and therefore not dumb/mute.
I am a stubborn ass because I always "forget" how GOOD exercise makes me feel. I lapse into my default mode, which = lazy sack of shit. I'm hoping, hoping to change that default by stubbornly going back to exercising. Even after taking a week off, or as I did in the hot as balls summer, weekS off. I know people are always saying "this time is different." And honestly, I don't feel that way in one way because I have lost enough weight to be "normal." I did it 10 years ago. That was the different time. And even though I turned the voice in my head down (the one saying HEY! DON'T EAT THAT!) and managed to gain weight back, the voice was and will always be there. OA "ruined food" for me. Actually, they ruined any rewarding aspects of compulsive eating. Yeah, try getting fatter AND feeling an incredible amount of guilt because you know you're wrong, but you're stubbornly insisting upon doing it. Addiction is a bitch, especially after "rehab." But I am digressing as I do...Anyway, that was regarding my eating.
This is about exercise.
This time I keep going back. My husband expressed (rightfully) a bit of skepticism when I said months ago that even though I was not running (because it was HOT...and I was too lazy to get up early enough for running in the cooler pre-dawn), I would run again. I had the urge that I'd never had before. His smart ass reply (because he knows I respond to honest criticism, even if it hurts) was, "Well you can have the urge all you want, but if you aren't running, who cares?"
And eventually I did. And I am. And it feels so good. It has made this day of what should be mundane and hella stressful because I'm trying to leave no stone unturned in my studying for the Anatomy test (they're big fans of having you learn some things on your own via a CD or school website, and then testing you on it as if they taught it)...the exercise makes it not so bad. I have energy. My knees are fucking killing me because I didn't stretch enough, but my overall bod feels GOOD.
And all I did was about 35 minutes on the treadmill. With intervals of 5 minutes warm-up,5 minutes running, 3 walk, 5 run, 3 walk, 5 run, walk/run-cooldown for about what? 9 minutes? I try to drag out my run times and don't cool down the way the treadmill likes. It's too damned slow...
ANYWAY...it wasn't even a massive badass workout...we're getting there...but I feel SO much better than I have for the last week.
So yes, I am a stubborn ass for allowing myself to default into lazy mode. So now it's time to stubbornly work out and change that damned default. Yes? Yes.

The mouth bone's connected to the ass bone

2011-01-26T13:56:00.001-05:00

Because I talk out of my ass, you see.
Just checking in. My food is going okay. Most assuredly over 1200, but not over 1550 most days. Too sloppy, though. The fact that I went over 1550 on any days is too much. I need to tighten the reins on this fat train...horse...something something metaphor...
I have been slacking on the exercise this week. In part because I was bleeding like a stuck pig (you're welcome, for that visual) and was actually worried about leaking through clothes in the gym, in part because I was studying, and in part because I'm a lazy sack of shit.

Excuses only take you so far, might as well be honest about that last one.

My first Gross Anatomy test is next Tuesday. I am studying when my brain lets me...sometimes it just won't, you know? That point when you realize you've been staring at the same picture of the rotator cuff muscles for 5 minutes? Yeah, that.
I feel soooooo much better about this class compared to the last time I took it. It helps that I'm not trying to balance Histology on top of it (or Physiology, as my current classmates are doing). Do I know all the muscles, attachments, innervations and blood supplies of the (superficial) upper back, posterior triangle of the neck and upper limb? Oh, no. But do I know them wayyyyy better than I did the last time I was tested on them? Yes.
The way this works, though, is that one cannot rest on their laurels based on what they know. One must instead try to reduce the amount of things one does not know. So that's where I am. Oh, and that whole "take a second before trying to answer a question to make sure you are correctly oriented with the area you're studying/being tested upon" thing. Because trust me, kids, fucking up your medial and lateral sides changes EVERYTHING when looking at the back of your forearm. And as my really cool professor (he's Canadian, eh. Understandable accents enhance any learning experience in my opinion) says: it doesn't matter that you knew the information, if you don't answer the question properly because you didn't read the actual question.
As an aside, if any of you are Canadian, I was wondering, how do you pronounce the word "again?"
He says it as UH-GAINE. We Kentuckians (and everyone I have met) say UH-GENN (hard g, there).
It matters not, but it makes me giggly when he does it, because he might as well be screaming, "Hi, I'm a Canadian!" when he says it...which is at least once a lecture.
Anyway, the time for sitting on my ass, exercise-wise is over. Back to the old: drop the boy off at work at 7 am, exercise, study, class...routine tomorrow. Yes, really. I'll even post a boring ass quickie post of what I did tomorrow, afterwards, just to keep me accountable. You heard it here, first.
Oh, and I did try the elliptical. I did not fall off. And it really hurt my ass. Naturally, I take this to mean that it works those muscles well and will help shrink it. However, I'm trying to get my endurance back up (and speed to a running instead of jogging speed) from when I was running regularly. Like, I want to be able to run for 35+ minutes straight again, without walking. And I want that 35 minutes to mean a distance of nearly 5K instead of 2K. Because, as I think I've mentioned, regardless of endurance level, I'm slowwwww.
SO: I'm using the treadmill mostly, instead of the elliptical.
Also...since I got some courses out of the way before this semester, I'm taking an online-ish course called Obesity: C2C (Cell to Community). I figure it will help me when I practice, and I honestly want to see other perspectives on obesity from non-obese people. Also, they are presumably (mostly, anyway) normal eaters. I am always intrigued by those normal eaters, and wish to mimic their "magical" ways of dealing with food in a healthy appropriate manner. From what I have seen so far, the majority, including the teacher, are nutritionists and exercise science people who are looking to broaden (no pun intended) their knowledge of their sure to be fatter future clients. Amusingly (to me) I may be the only fat person enrolled in the class. And if I'm an expert on anything in this life, it's being a fat (but no longer obese!) person. So I can offer them something as well. Winners all around.
My suspicion is that all the information I gather from this course will support my beliefs and further bolster Allan's approach to fatness, BUT would realllllly piss off those fat acceptance/"go ahead and take 10 years to lose 50 lbs" people. Those ladies (and I have yet to see a man take such an approach, so yeah, ladies) are something else. Yeah, it's less stressful, but while you're pussyfooting around about not feeling "denied", you're gonna DIE, dude! I digress...
Anyway, back to studying...I needed this break.

Yup Still Here.

2011-01-15T21:21:00.000-05:00

Still here. Not blogging enough...but what is enough, really?
Food doing okay, though I felt nauseated the last few days, so I guess that means I was cheating??? It's easier to eat less when you feel like you're going to barf, yannow?
Took Wed and Thurs off at the gym due to the nausea, but went back yesterday.
Still 159.
And now for some NSV's
1. They give you a towel to shower with at the gym. Not a bath sheet, just a regular towel.
I can wrap it all the way around me without my ass hanging out. Or any skin. That is nice for me, especially since I don't want to be displaying the cellulite lumps on my thighs to innocent passersby.
2. This:

I would really like to go apeshit and buy a bunch of these. I lack a great skirt or 2 to wear with them, but I think they're really spiffy.
But the NSV??? I can't wear the size 3's. I'm short enough, but I weigh less than 165. And yes, my eyes still immediately go to the biggest size to see if they carry something for me.
If I keep my head straight and my ass moving, I'll get to wear size 1. Even if it's too warm, I could wear them.
3. A NSV-ish/kind of a drag because I am cheap....my "big" scrub pants are too big to wear anymore. Especially to anatomy lab. I look like an elephant, with all the flopping. Or I'm trying to give MC Hammer a run for his money in the parachute pants department.

Good times. Have fun this weekend, kids. Eat well, and drink your water.

Alive and kicking

2011-01-09T17:50:00.001-05:00

I didn't want anyone to think I had fallen off the map, I've just been studying instead of internetting. I'm trying to read some blogs, but I've also cut down my list. It's nothing personal, I just don't have the time right now, and really, I just cut down on people who haven't updated in a while.
There are about 5-10 of you I read almost every day, though. I will get a few days behind on you, but I still catch up. Even if I don't leave comments, I'm still there.
I'm still trying to eat well. No, I'm not sticking with 1200. I'm staying under 1500, though.
Also? My student fees pay for the on campus gym, which I really like. Since classes haven't started for the rest of campus, it's not crowded yet. I went Thursday and Friday and will go back again tomorrow. Annnnnd of course I probably overdid it, but it's a good hurt. Tomorrow, I will tackle this mysterious elliptical I keep hearing about. I got on it Friday to see at least how not to fall off (Yes I am that clumsy), but so far I've stuck to the treadmill.
I'm trying to get into a groove with exercising, studying, meeting the husband for lunch, studying more, going to class, and on days I don't have class, going to the lab to cut on dead people.
I LOVE it.
Oddly, my weight is STILL 159. It hasn't gone up all week. I was worried I'd magically blow up since I wasn't with the 1200 calorie Allen crew this phase, but it's going okay. Crazy.
Okay, break time is over. Yeah, I'm at my paying job, right now. Have a good week, everyone.

I have survived day one and two...don't read if you get squeamish.

2011-01-04T20:29:00.000-05:00

It feels so different this time. The heart racing was there, I'm stressing some over money, but thus far, I'm feeling good about school.
We dissected the superficial back muscles today. It was bitchin'. I could find all the stuff I was supposed to find on my (our group's) cadaver. This time we have a female, which I think is kind of cool because last time I had a dude. And since I'm especially interested in women's health (this could change), it would be nice to check out the girl parts firsthand. That being said, she's smaller and her muscles aren't as well defined as the men are. Regardless, it's pretty cool, if you're into that kind of thing. Which I am. Of course.
FYI: The smell of formaldehyde really sticks with you long after you can't smell it on yourself.
Also FYI: Seeing what fat looks like, in the flesh (no pun intended), is a good incentive to lose weight. One of my classmates stated that it made her rethink having pizza for dinner. And our cadaver isn't even obese.

My food is going well, but I needed to eat some peanut butter crackers before lab. I have them as a mid morning snack when working 1st shift, so it's not a reach.
Having to readjust my eating schedule, AGAIN, to accommodate my new daily schedule and abbreviated work schedule. I know I went over 1200 yesterday, but so far today is under ( I need to go to sparkpeople to see the exact number.
Water is good. I had to pee something fierce at the break in Anatomy lecture today. Apparently sitting for an hour is too much. *shrug*

Mood for the day:
Optimistic.
I know, right?

Short and bittersweet

2011-01-02T20:13:00.000-05:00

I wasn't kidding about my head being all swirly about this new semester.
Orientation is tomorrow. Holy fucking shit!
I'm excited and scared. A lot of this (not unlike weight loss) is mental. I must not psych myself out. I failed, as in earned less than 60% for a final grade, the last time I took gross anatomy. I have since taken 3 courses that (in my opinion) should have been required to take gross anatomy. And I am a completely different person in a completely different marriage (same guy). Alas, the class will be a bitch. Its reputation is well deserved.
However, because I need to put all I can into this, I decided to drop out of Allan's Phase 4 of SSDDDY.
I don't feel I can be consistent enough to keep my calorie intake under 1200. It will be a guideline, but if phase 3 taught me anything, it's that I am not very good at eating 1200 or less per day. It sounds like a total puss out, and I guess it is, but I can't have the sugar drops and inability to concentrate when I'm trying to dissect the brachial plexus. That being said, I'm keeping to the sparkpeople range for weight loss (which is 1200 on the low end, anyway), and I'm keeping my water consumption elevated. I may be addicted...

Thanks to the kick in the ass from phase 2 and 3, I saw the 150's today. Last night it was 162.0, this morning, 159.0. I used 161 as my SSDDDY phase 3 final number because I averaged the 2 numbers, figuring that most weigh-ins are at night now. And even though this morning's weigh-in was post-pee, pre-water and nekkid, and therefore, best case scenario...I did get to see 159. So yeah, the challenge plans work. You will lose weight. I just have to back away a little right now, and I don't want to make anyone do any more work for someone who's unable to commit 100%, you know?

Some of you followed me here from Allan's place, and now I have even more inspiration to look toward from your blogs. Hopefully some of you will keep commenting because you have wiggled your way into my neurotic little soul and I have a soft spot for you.
And for the "some of you" that followed to troll? Well, you can still fuck yourselves.

Now pardon me while I go look at some Memebase to relax my overactive brain.

Hot 100 update: Stealth Edition

2010-12-31T14:05:00.000-05:00

I hate that this is the last update and it has to be so short, but whaddaya gonna do?
1. Weight. Not 155. According to the mother in law's scale it's up to 162. I am still being female, dinner last night was salty, and I'm chugging water (of COURSE the mother in law had to make a comment about that. Really woman?) Hoping to at least get back to 160 Sunday morning for the SSDDDY check in. We'll see.
2. The water...see above.
3. Oh yes, every day I get him to LOL.
4. The house looks like a tornado hit it right now, thanks to holiday crap, but it's ok.
5. Cooking....not happening. We'll put that in the New Year's Resolution pile. No shit. I need to put more into it.
6. Better physical shape? Tough call. Sometimes I'm tired from the aunt flo, but other times I feel better (this is likely mental, since I'm glad to get a period this month).

I will try to write more in a few days. Get all hepped up about the new year and such. I'm still discombobulated from working over Christmas. So it doesn't feel like December 31st today to me. *shrug*
Everyone else will write about it, though, so one less New Year's resolution post isn't hurting anyone.

Happy New Year!
See you next year!

Going underground for a little bit...

2010-12-29T21:24:00.001-05:00

Okay, really, we're going to the inlaws' compound for the next 3-ish days, for their Christmas, nice dinner out, yada yada...
If you've been reading at all, you know my mother-in-law hates for people to sit still...unless it's on her terms.
Sooooo blogging will likely not occur. I'll post a hot 100 update on Friday, and I have to weigh in for the SSDDDY on Sunday, so I'll likely post something then. And hopefully I will be posting from home at that point.
Monday is orientation for school. Tuesday, Gross Anatomy begins. Needless to say, my mind is a little cluttered at the moment. Not to mention what's left of my red menace finishing her dirty work.
Feel like a puffy pig, but drinking my water anyway. My eating should be fine the next few days since I don't like to be watched when I eat, and the mom-in-law watches everything...She works as a very effective appetite suppressant, really. That whole waiting for people to fail thing? She's doing it right. Okay, so maybe I'm projecting, but still, the woman pushes my "need to please" buttons like few do. Pray for me.
Have a good rest of the week!

Extra small, medium, large, we've got rags to fit a barge...

2010-12-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

When the end of the month rolls around...
Yes, I just announced my period on the internet. Again.
Explains the random need to cry during the last week. And by random, I mean ran-dom.
So who the fuck knows what will happen for my weigh in next Sunday. I was up a pound yesterday, but the salted shrimp I had on Christmas day at the Chinese joint with the in-laws likely didn't help. I ate well, considering there was probably enough MSG to kill a buffalo. Grilled, salted, shrimp and hot and sour soup, plus some string beans that were damned (but tastily) salty.
On the other hand, maybe I can drop some water weight by week's end.
Also? It's nice to see my body functioning the way it's supposed to regarding the girly bits. I don't like periods, but when they vanish magically? Not so reassuring.
Granted, tomorrow I will likely want to reach between my legs and yank out my uterus with my bare hands, but for today, I can deal.
So I guess the lower dose of estrogen/progesterone to go with my lower body weight is working. Go, Dr. Awesome (not her real name-but it should be).

Happy Christmas Eve and a Hot 100 update

2010-12-24T17:39:00.000-05:00

Why on earth would I be posting right now?
Well, because I am stuck at work instead of hanging with my extended family.
Pain in my ass. Hospitals never close, though, so what are you gonna do? Besides bitch and moan. So I am. Right now.
Luckily, the hospital is quiet (so far). I'm sure they tried to get as many patients as possible home to family, so my only concern is for traumas. Make sure to drive SOBER, people, just saying...
Oh, and if you have a fantastically dysfunctional family and live near me, no stabbings or shootings until Christmas night about 11:30 pm...Kidding. That never turns out well, even if it seems like a great idea at the time to cause severe bodily harm to that family member that always burns your ass. I hear prison is no fun.
At any rate, let's go down the list, shall we?
1. Well, at weigh in this morning, I was 160.3. Same as Sunday morning for SSDDDY, but it's only 5 (5.3) from my original goal of 155 by Dec 31. I never thought I'd get that close. I'd like to hit the 150's by next Friday, even though the SSDDDY math says it should be 151. Apparently, my body is not cooperating on the numbers front. However, my husband said (in his usual WTF? way) that I need new jeans and new bras.
So I am shrinking. I acknowledged the tit shrinkage, but he disagreed with my assessment, claiming that my cups weren't that small, but my distance around was smaller, thus the bad fit. He hopped up, grabbed my tape measure and measured around and under the bewbs. I'm wearing mostly 38 C. Some 38B. And falling out because I'm too small. Well, the tape measure came up with 32 with me inhaling, thus causing my lungs and ribs to expand. I'm no bra measurement expert, but I'm thinking he may have a point about the number being too high. Sadly, I still think I'm in B cup land. But they're all natural tiny boobies, so there's that.
And my jeans...well you know how it is being a fat person and not wanting to wear tight anything (or you should. I will spare you the rant about people wearing the wrong clothes for their size)...I'm used to them feeling a certain way. Namely, not tight. But this trusty pair of 16's is now almost to the point where I can take them off and on without unbuttoning them. And the waist to ass ratio? Ridiculous. Maybe I'll post a picture. Then you can see why I curse how proportionally bigger my ass is.
2. Water...do we have to ask? So far today, I've had 80 oz, not counting the three (8oz???) cups of coffee this morning. And I'm here for another 6 hours, so, yeah...Liquids are not an issue.
3. Laughter from the man. Kind of like the water. Apparently, I underestimated my own abilities. It's a recurring thing for me, allegedly.
4. Oooooooewwwwww. The house is not looking too great. Not shitty, but not improved. Slackage must end forthwith. Our schedules are going to change with some drastic-ness. Is that a word? It is now.
School starts in 11 days. Next Wednesday is my last day of working full time before school starts. And the husband will start his new position (same place, different job) very soon. Probably new hours and a definite change in the amount of bone draining bullshit. Or at least, a different variety of bullshit. And since he's ADD, the variety is good for him.
5. Well, we know how this has been going...I have had leftovers more than once this week, just saying...
But yeah, this one may not see real progress until after the new year. Especially since the next 2 weeks are going to be a clusterfuck schedule-wise. I will make good food choices, but I will not be cooking most of them. I freely admit to that.
6. Better shape, physically??? I think so. Room for improvement? HELL YES.

So have a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, kiddies. I hope Santa gives you everything you want, just leave the cookies to him.

Went over by 40

2010-12-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

That's it. Nothing exciting. I had more milk than usual today, because I didn't leave time for eggs and had to go with cereal for breakfast. Yes, I eat it in the car while my husband drives us to work.
I will cut 40+ off my calorie total tomorrow.
Going to bed nice and early tonight. Husband nodded off on the couch before 8 pm. We are so old.
Water's good. lots of pee, as usual.
Before sleep, I am probably going to use my interwebs skillz to check out this hardbody that's helping run phase 4. I'm not in the loop about exercise/fitness gurus. You know, because I've been ~~pretty~~ totally exercise lazy up until this year. She seems like a badass. I like.
Laters.

Is it PMS?

2010-12-22T21:18:00.001-05:00

Probably not.

*Photo courtesy of Post Secret

The worry fairies are dropping their worry dust into my dreams. I do not like the worry fairies. I am not eating over them, but they make my head ache with their nonsense. Or is it? Is it nonsense? Am I destined to repeat my failure from 6 years ago? Will the worry fairies wind me up over money, my body, my limited years remaining for baby making, make me unable to concentrate, thus causing failure again, thus causing more worry, and so on, and so on...
Or am I creating avalanches out of snowballs?
These are the questions I am asking, currently.
Remind me to tell you about my big academic failure. The one that made me self-medicate with food. Again. The one that almost cost me my marriage, because I couldn't handle it.
Dramatics aside, I think I may have some actual PTSD over it.
No, that can't be true!!! I did not experience a violent or near death experience!!!
And yet...
According to the NIH, the NIMH, specifically (not Time Magazine, people)...

"PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
Bad dreams
Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.

2. Avoidance symptoms:
Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
Feeling emotionally numb
Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
Being easily startled
Feeling tense or “on edge”
Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating."

For me? All of the above.

I thought my feelings about the "big fuck up" had faded until they had nearly disappeared into the ether. I tell myself, "Get the fuck over yourself. Some people have REAL problems." I stopped medicating with food (still taking my happy chemicals daily, though). And no, I'll never be a "normal" eater, but better, yes. I started communicating with my husband. And he is SO good at talking me down from my fears. I started focusing on my whole body, not just what I was eating.

But now? Classes start in 13 days...closer to 12, really. And my brain is swirling.
Bear with me, kids, this ride may be a little bumpy for a while.

In other news, food is good, 1188 (assuming Sparkpeople is correct, natch) Water is good.

And my little troll? You can be done now.

Today. December 21st and Day something of the SSDDDY challenge.

2010-12-21T14:42:00.000-05:00

I guess it's day 15 since this phase started on the 7th. The day doesn't really matter to me, it's the results I care about.
My husband asked me...Sunday, I guess, why I had jumped on the "Allan worship" train. This was likely brought on by the "WHY the FUCK won't my phone send e-mails on certain days. I need to send my weight."
"Worship? Really, dude? Unwillingness to deviate, yah."
He conceded worship was the wrong word.
"Peer pressure?"
I got a raised eyebrow for that one.
" I dunno."
My standard response to most things until I can think of something more sensical.
"I guess because he amuses the hell out of me and I see the results he and the people doing his challenges are getting. Plus we get support or a kick in the ass, depending. We get daily e-mails. It's nice to have a group with a common goal. Even when our numbers vary widely."
That seemed to satisfy him.
He was highly amused by the daily e-mail that was in Spanish. He grinned the grin of a jackass seeing a fellow jackass in action and his admiration of the work.
My husband is more than willing to give props. He does not feel the need to be the only or the best jackass.
Anyway...
I don't think it matters, really. What does matter is that I am getting results and that pleases me.
I don't like the fact that being accountable to someone is what got me moving down the scale again after hanging out in the 170s for a few months. I wish that were not the case with me, but it is what it is, and I'm still learning how to deal with and/or change my weaknesses. I'll probably figure it out on the day I die.

I know many people have lost more weight in less time, but I am okay with this simply because I am closer to my "wedding weight." Or rather, that place I got to when prior to that I believed I was destined to be at least overweight. Shitty genes, and all. Well, I found out that was crap. My shitty genes make it so that I cannot eat like a pig and stay thin. My shitty genes allow me to gain weight very quickly. My shitty genes make me carry most of my weight in my lower half, specifically, a fat ass. I've heard that that's actually the lesser of 2 evils health-wise, but it makes pants shopping a drag. HOWEVER, my shitty genes, as I discovered, do not doom me to a life of obesity, if I'm willing to put in the effort to eat more rigidly than the average person. It's an addiction like any other, I just have to "drink a beer" 3 times a day to live.
I didn't ask for this tendency toward addictive behavior, but my family likes to fuck, apparently, so we keep passing those genes down, generation after generation. It doesn't help me lose fat to whine about it, though. I simply must work with what I have, yannow?

So here's some pictures of happy bringing...

40 lbs gone in a year.

No, my goal weight isn't 144.4, but the Wii fit won't let you set a goal over 22 lbs down.
What makes me happy about this picture is that I can see normal. And my weight isn't so far above it that I can't see it on the chart.

This entry was kind of all over the place, but hopefully people can get something out of it, even if it's seeing the word "shitty" a whole lot.

Time to get some firewood.
Laters.

Still here!

2010-12-20T19:39:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd pop in to say I'm doing well with the calories. And the water...and the peeing...
My weigh in yesterday was 160.3
A new low! Well, since the Wii was purchased, anyway.
Now, I'm going to go back to watching Office Space. This movie never gets old for me.
Have a good night :)

Quickie update...yeah I always say that.

2010-12-18T10:31:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to stop by since I may not have time later.
We're doing a house clean today to make up for some slackage the last 2 weeks.
And we're seeing Tron (again) tonight with a different group of people. I agreed to see it twice in exchange for getting out of dealing my mother-in-law yesterday. Yes, really. It costs less (gas money and we owe them a dinner) and I hate traveling that far in this shitty weather, and...I don't feel like dealing with her Judgy Mc Judgerton self. Even when she isn't judging me, it's still tiresome listening to her judge everyone else.
Must be hard to be perfect and watch everyone else do everything wrong.
But the good news? For shits and giggles I weighed myself this am before getting dressed (NAKED!!!) I was/am still puffy from sleep, and am still waiting for my lower intestines to give me some decent results, but I figured, why not? Just for reference. Results? Lowest weight so far. Weight numbers are such a fucked up thing. This just proves it.
But still...it made me happy to see the lowest number so far.
Have a good day everyone!

Hot 100 and SSDDDY day 11

2010-12-17T20:42:00.001-05:00

Wanted to get this in so it counts as a Friday post for Hot 100.
Something tells me I am out of the running for winning a random prize. And not because I'm disqualified. My family isn't well known for our random drawing luck. But it keeps me doing my weekly, so there...
1. Not dropping fast enough, but I have been slowly moving down the scale.
2. Water, definitely.
3. Making my man laugh hard, yes.
4. Housework....we've both been dragging ass this week, so no good was accomplished house-wise.
5. Cooking. This goal was apparently as unrealistic as me weighing 125 when my classes start in 3 weeks (shit). But I did cook and I ate lots of leftovers.
6. Be in better physical shape than last week? Well as you have seen from my whining, I've been feeling run down the last couple of weeks, especially this week, so that one's a big fat goose egg. But I have hope.
I caught myself running down the hall of the movie theater tonight (we saw Tron...mixed feelings), and it felt really good. It was, like 20 feet, but it felt good.

I was less hungry during the day today, which was nice. I always welcome that. However, I was VERY hungry after work, and made a poor choice by eating some nasty ass movie theater popcorn. Combined with the giant Coke Zero, it made me feel a little barfy. Lesson learned. I'm still under on my calories (told you I wasn't very hungry during the day), but the queasy feeling serves as a good reminder not to eat crap, even if I'm technically ok with calories. I could eat 1200 calories in oreos (What is that? Like 3 oreos???), but I'll feel like shit. This evening proved that. It's 3 hours later and I still kind feel like I'm gonna hurl. I'll settle for drinking a buttload of water to get the taste and sensation in my mouth gone. I'm counting it as my dinner, calorically speaking. I'll probably want to eat a horse when I wake up tomorrow (too bad), but that's the price I pay for making bad choices. Bad choice 1: letting myself get too hungry. Bad choice 2: eating popcorn. Disgusting.
Thus concludes our confession/goal update time.
For the record, as of today, I officially swear off movie theater popcorn, like, indefinitely. I'm better off biting my nails.

I'm now going back to my regularly scheduled hanging out with my husband like the old people ~~I am~~ we are.

Day 9/10 of SSDDDY...Warning, whining ahead.

2010-12-16T18:44:00.002-05:00

Just a quickie (for me, anyway). Yesterday was 1216, today is 1194.
I have been majorly tense lately. How do I know? My shoulders and neck and head have been killing me.
I realized today that part of that is due to not running lately. I had a lot less tension pains when running consistently. Meanwhile, I am grumpy and tired and not sleeping for shit.
Speaking of shit, here's a TMI for you...I have not had a satisfying one of those for about 2 weeks. Perhaps that is why the scale is not moving quickly enough for me. Not as quickly as Allan's challenge numbers say it should drop and not quickly enough for me. But when is it?

Using your menses is an all too handy excuse, but if my new prescription does its job, I will get my period in one week. Hello again, PMS. Except I have been cranky for a few days now. So that likely is not the culprit.

It could be the blizzard and ice and shit. We get that every year, so it shouldn't affect me. But for some reason, both me and my husband have been dragging ass all week.
Not looking good for the Hot 100 update tomorrow. That's all I'm saying.

I kind of wonder if the lower calories and not being good at meal spacing is causing problems too. I'd blame the 1200, but people bigger than me that are used to way more food are kicking ass and taking names. So there's no reason I should feel puny for eating a few hundred less calories than usual. I'm a fan of personal responsibility, specifically mine. Being irresponsible about my "person" gets me fat and keeps me fat. Being responsible gets me to and keeps me at a healthy weight.
I think I may be (also) stressing over the ghosts of school failure past. I am really trying not to, new starts and all. But apparently the subconscious parts of me that control the quality of sleep and my shoulder scrunching and jaw clenching have other ideas in mind.
So yeah. I am grumpy. Sorry. I am enjoying what blog reading I am getting done and have left a little love here and there, but as for my own...
Here, have a picture, since so many of us (even those not doing SSDDDY) are drinking more water:

Apparently, you fellas are supposed to pee sitting down. Who knew?

And until we all get to our goal weights...

Just do it 1200 calories at a time. Or whatever your calorie limit may be.

And now a Day 9 SSDDDY...Wordless-ish Wednesday

2010-12-15T19:28:00.001-05:00

A tale of two dinners...

No it isn't yellow barf. It's Stouffer's mac and cheese.
He wanted "comfort food."
What can I say? I like to spoil him sometimes.

And...

MINE!

Lest ye think I disappeared Day 8 SSDDDY update

2010-12-15T08:40:00.001-05:00

I had no intarwebs last night...husband was trying to get the phone company to give us the internet speed we are paying for. We currently have about 1/10th the speed we're supposed to.
This has still not been cleared up, but we have sort of internet again.
Yesterday's calories squeezed right in at 1200 according to Sparkpeople.
It's possible I went over or under by a few (like my egg was some sort of extra calorie maega egg or something or the crumbs I dribbled that never made it to my stomach), but I will take their number. Water was fine. At least 100ml. As I've said before, once I have my minimum for accelerated loss, I stop keeping track.
More later...must work...yar.

Day 7 SSDDDY Whuuuuu? Yeah, no post yesterday.

2010-12-13T20:30:00.001-05:00

I was busy and then it got all warm and cozy with the fireplace and I got all old people-like and nearly dozed off where I was sitting. I came in on target with calories (yeah, over 1200, but it evened out with a deficit earlier in the week) and tons of water. Oh, and that deficit is no longer available as a cushion, got used up, so don't worry Allan, I am not dicking around with the numbers.
Today's calories=1149
Incidentally, and I know this has been said before, but Wendy's chili is the shit. You get a lot of bang for your buck calorie-wise, in my opinion. I had some tonight and it was filling and tase-tee.
Also had the Caesar side salad with no dressing or croutons. I was ~~starving~~ "starving," so I ate every last leaf. Mmmmmm roughage. I saved the chili for last. Totally worth it.
Then we went downtown to meet Alan to do Christmas card pics for us. Not that Allan. This Alan.
It was cold as fuck. If you were fucking in the Arctic Circle. Too over the top with the metaphor? Sometimes I can't tell...Anyway, he's got this amazing eye, and since we know him for realz, not just on the intarwebs, we thought we'd hit him up to do our first O-fficial holiday card. I guess it is a Christmas card since I don't have the mailing addresses of any Jews (or Muslims for that matter). Just a few "fashionably agnostic" people.
We weren't our usual ebullient selves (sneer), but we tried to fake it for the pictures. *NERD BREAK* You know how the particles in solids aren't moving, particles in liquids are, well, fluid, and particles in gas are bouncing all over? Well, as a couple, we are like that in cold weather. The solid/ice thing. Our potential for fun comes to a near standstill. Except my boy tends to overheat to the point of heat stroke in excess heat instead of bouncing around. So that analogy just went out the window, I guess.
And Alan got us photog-ed in less than 30 minutes. Probably more like 20 after we finally got out of our warm vehicle. I'm kind of stoked. He can make us look good. We can make us look stupid, he can make us look artistically idiotic.
He complimented my less fat-ness, which always wins points. I think I was 30+ lbs bigger last time we saw each other. This was also timely because I got online last night to check my cousins' official wedding pictures. I love technology. Anyway, I was not in many pictures, but in the ones I was in, I noticed how fat I still am. Not pleased. Yeah, the dress is now too large and the cardigan type sweater I wore isn't exactly sexy, but I needed to hide my fat arms and it was cold. Did I mention how much I hate cold? But my calves. That can't be blamed on the oversized outfit. And my fat face. Can't hide that.
I probably didn't notice much at the time because I was surrounded by family, who a) notices how fat you are, but doesn't give a fuck b) in many cases are as large or larger than you. But the pictures. Yech. So yes, I have about 35 lbs to goal ------I keep lowering the number in my head, because I know I saw a 120-something on the scale more than once after I got married. How do I know? Well, because I'm weird. I guess I could stop there, but... I used to play a game I'll call the peeing game. Appropos, considering all the water I've been consuming, yes? I'd get on the scale before I peed in the morning (the "big pee"), pee, then re-weigh myself to see just how much I had peed. Or how much weight was lost. However you want to spin it. So yeah, I saw a 1-2- there, I know it. ----------
Even though it's 35+ left...I am still only 5 foot 2.75 inches, and this much weight on my body, right now makes me still fat.
Less depressing, NSV, though. I track my food on Sparkpeople. When I started "gettin' srs" about losing my fat ass, I starting using it again after a 3 year "haitus." At 205, I joined a group called "30-somethings with 50-99 lbs to lose" Or something like it.
Well, when I logged in, today, I realized I don't qualify for that group anymore. Kind of nice.
I mean, yeah, I could weigh 112-115 and still be considered normal for my height (the curse of shortness), but I don't have to lose 50 or more to have a normal BMI, anymore. And if any of you are still well over 200, or 300? Stick with it, because all of the sudden, you'll be "not obese" anymore. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully for all of us, there will be a day in the not too distant future (because if we take too long, the fat monster will kill us) where we'll be "not overweight," anymore. Doesn't that make you feel warm and fuzzy? Like my fireplace.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Day 5 of SSDDDY...it's easier than coming up with a catchy title

2010-12-11T18:22:00.000-05:00

Not much to say today, other than my eating has been good so far.
I did not have enough water for my tastes and was feeling sluggish.
If you'd asked me 1 year ago if I would be drinking plain water more than coke zero and milk, I would have called you a liar. I put the flavor packets in sometimes, but I stretch them over 2 or 3 fills of my water bottle.
Otherwise the taste is too strong. zzzzzzzzzzzboring.....
Anyway, I got home from flitting about town (shopping is FUN, I swear!) with my boy at 3 pm, and decided to make up for it by drinking a big 32oz glass/cup. Bad idea. I got light headed. meh. I sat down for a bit. Gave it time to mix with the food still in my belly from 11:30 (omelet=yum) and all was well.
I have a partay tonight, I am looking forward to seeing the hostess. She has known me since elementary school.
She's seen me at my max weight in high school (230), saw me after I puked my way down to 170 (didn't know the puking part), missed out on my glorious climb back up to my championship weight of 254, then saw me again after I OA'd my way to 130. She was impressed. Imagine my chagrin when we saw each other again and I weighed 200. *disgusted sigh*
So I see her again tonight for her par-tay. I will behave because I sure as shit don't want post-drunkage bloat for my weigh in tomorrow with King Al. A friend of his died today. I heard and immediately thought of him. Death sucks, suicide, is a whole 'nother level of suckage. This being said, I am sure he will be in no mood for any fuckery (I <3 Beth). So I must behave. :)

Gotta run, see y'all later.

Oh the huge manatee!!!

2010-12-10T20:54:00.000-05:00

Wait a minute: Go here first.

I never said I was cool.

Anyway, I felt the need to post this. Observe nya:

"Oh noes!!!" you may be saying to yourselves. She didn't eat that!!!???!!!
No.
But my husband. All 6'1" and 206.4 lbs of him * ate 16 of those. On the way home from Kroger. About 2 miles. 800 calories.
And next month? He will probably weigh 206.4 lbs.
Sometimes...I hate him so hard.
Also? In my "prime," I totally could have finished the whole fucking box. Some people are such amateurs.

* He did his half-assed one a month or so weigh-in yesterday on the Wii and it was a 0.0 change from the last time, about 45 days ago.

Roll em' together and call it a winner...Hot 100 Dec 10 and Day 4 SSDDDY

2010-12-10T17:58:00.001-05:00

I am so fucking hungry right now.
Ok. Now that that's out of the way...
So far my calories for the day are at 597. I ate lunch at 11:30 this morning. It's time for this little piggy to get some dinner. Time to portion out some more of the endless supply of squash and chicken...
I lost track of the amount of water I had. Once I hit 96oz today I stopped counting refills.
So for the Hot 100 goals:
1. Obviously not 155 yet. However, my after work weight today compared to 7 days ago (167.1) is down (164.9). This is higher than my Sunday weigh in with King Al (162.9), but that was at noon-ish. And not all water had been consumed. *shrug* I'm seeing downward motion and my after work numbers are better than my before work numbers from 2 weeks ago (I swear I swell in my sleep, even after a big morning pee pee). I'll take it.
2. The water consumption. See above.
3. Done. Like I said before, apparently I make him laugh more than I realized, but noticing now makes it even more fun.
4. The house...well, I slacked on the "big clean" this week because we were both feeling shitty. However, the kitchen space looks sexier and less cluttered thanks to some rearranging. More to do, as usual.
5. Not 6 nights of cooking, but much more than before. Hello, tiny bank balance. Oh, I ended up not going to the Mexican joint last Friday, after all. I just wasn't feeling it. I was stressed about money and when I am not feeling like being around people, I will not make a very nice impression upon virtual strangers. So I stayed home and went over money stuff with my man and got soothed by the math.
6. Am I in better shape physically today than last week? No stronger. I know that much. I miss feeling strong. Also, trying to kill the beginnings of what wants to be a sinus infection is making me feel less badass. However, I am thinner, which counts for something, I guess.

So yep, there is is for today.
Enjoy your weekend, kids.

Day 3 of the SSDDDY

2010-12-09T19:05:00.003-05:00

I think it's probably boring to read my tracking of each day, so I may stop making my titles be all about this challenge. Nevertheless, it is a challenge to me, so it's relevant, I suppose. I've not done a consistent 1200 before this week. The lowest I tended to go when "gracing" the 12-step rooms was 1400. Now, for someone used to eating 3300 a day, this must be torture. So I should shut my whore mouth, right?
No one promised it would be fun though. Eyes on the prize, Violet. Eyes on the prize.
I am tired and crankier than usual, so it will be an early night.
A few short blurts, though. Today comes in at 1144. This makes me a happy ~~lady~~ woman.
I got kind of funky at work focus-wise and a wee bit shaky, but eating lunch helped.
My throat and nose tell me I am trying to get an infection of the sinusitis variety, but thus far the bacteria have not overtaken me. Apparently drowning the little fuckers in 110+ ml of water per day, thus flushing my pipes, is helping. People around me at work are sick, and are kind of douche-y about covering their mouths when coughing. Yesterday, I had a sugar free cough drop ( which I DID count, btw), but today it wasn't necessary. But like I said, the water is helping, I believe. However, my disposition and energy levels aren't so awesome. Oh well.
But in the spirit of keeping things like food in perspective, I offer this last image:

It is wise to not doubt the simple wisdom of Chris Griffin.

Day 2 SSDDDY and I panic needlessly, as per usual.

2010-12-08T20:35:00.000-05:00

So I had a moment...or an hour or so...of panic today where I thought I had 46 calories left for the day. As of 2 pm. And my tummy was rumbling. Why was I panicking? Was it because I couldn't feed my fat?
No, it was because it was only day 2 of eating at 1200 and I had already managed to fuck it up. Realistically speaking, I wasn't going to be able to live on water for the rest of the night. I could try, but I had serious doubts of success.
And then I remembered something. I had entered my food into Sparkpeople today and went ahead and included my planned dinner. So...46 calories left AFTER dinner. Dumb. Ass.
Also, I changed my mind about what I wanted to eat. I had breakfast for dinner instead of the chicken and squash meal I'll be eating for the next week. Side story: I tried a recipe and it lacked "something," which I suspect was more garlic. Not enough garlic. Shameful, as I love the stuff. But my husband won't eat any more, and I made too much of it. I am a novice cook and as he so willingly pointed out: when trying a new recipe, don't make a lot. In case it sucks. Well, it doesn't suck, but my standards are a bit lower when it comes to shit I made myself. Also, hello? Butternut squash and boneless, skinless chicken, with garlic (just not enough). Yummy shit. No oil or butter, either. Alas, it was too "rindy" for the fella, since I had not cut my cubes uniformly. I had so much frozen cubed squash I decided to triple the recipe. Yay leftovers, right? Well, I forgot to triple the garlic, so... It's not bad with some fake spray butter. Just sayin'. He ended up with 2 grilled cheese (well, cheese "product") sandwiches on the George Foreman, courtesy of me (and my attempt to make it up to him for being willing to try my food)
ANYWAY...I really wanted eggs. I didn't leave enough time to make myself some eggs for breakfast this morning (I wasn't wandering around still half asleep, I fell into a rip in the space-time continuum. I swear!), so I was craving them. That whole unfinished business thing. Three eggs, a TBSP of fat free feta (we're totally out of other cheese), and some chopped tomatoes I salvaged from our garden earlier in the year, and yummalicous. And? It was lower in calories than my orginal planned dinner.
Boosh.
So why is this noteworthy, other than I am not that good of a cook, ~~usually~~ sometimes???
Well, because I need to chill out (duh). And I was reminded of this (yet again) and how far I still have to go in the whole "don't panic, just keep track of everything and take each moment as it comes"---thing. Also, it's weird because I never thought, "well fuck this, I'll just quit the challenge." It was a "Now what?" kind of thing. Aaaaaaaand that burning gut punch feeling I get when I screw myself over. HATE THAT. But quitting wasn't an option. That smaller number for my projected weight on December 31st (if I follow the 1200 cal plan) looks really nice to me. More sexy than it should, maybe, but it does and I won't apologize for it.

But the money shot? I am under 1200 for the day. Now to do it again for 22 days.

Day one of the SSDDDY shallonge...

2010-12-07T21:57:00.000-05:00

I'm the only one on the planet that's amused by that, but whatever.
So, as I am a big fan of overanalyzing and indecisiveness, I had not decided which plan to go with today.
I decided to try my best and see which level I was closer to and go from there.
I also consulted my trusty spouse who was willing to support this endeavor, especially since it involved me admitting once again that he's right. This time it was about getting more protein in the morning vs cereal.
He was concerned about the yearly New Years Eve "fancy dinner" we have with his family. Basically, his dad takes the 4 kids and spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends (and my mom-in-law, natch) to a nicer restaurant. It's a reason to get all dressed up and feel fancified. They have been doing it since they were kids. Thanks to threats of serious bodily harm from Favorite Father-in-Law, the children were always extremely well behaved and my inlaws received many complements over the years, even after getting the initial stink eye for daring to bring kids in nice places.
Anyhoo, after some discussion and thoughts out loud on his part, husband realized it didn't matter which plan I chose. He just didn't want me to be a killjoy, essentially. Fair enough.
The fact that I let him buy at least 10 boxes of girl scout cookies each year and keep them in the house or any of the other crap her loves seems to not show enough evidence that I can avoid being a total party pooper when around other people who actually can moderate their eating. You know, that thing I am very shitty at doing. What-ever, sweetheart. Love you!
So that was that. I made my decision and because I was off work today, it may have been easier. That concerns me a little. As in, I don't want a false sense of security.
The fact is, although I am not diabetic, when my blood sugar drops too low I can't focus and get ridiculously cranky (like I start feeling panicky/cranky). I don't want to take the chance of fucking up at work, because (for serious!), there are some things I could do incorrectly that could actually kill someone. Scary but true. Blood is no joke, y'all.
So tomorrow will be another test drive. I think I can do this, even if it means eating chicken bouillon soup for dinner. Lulz. Just kidding, too much sodium.
Have a good night, kids. I'm off to pee. Again.
Water's going good.

Time 'a get focus' Brine, time 'a get focus'...

2010-12-06T21:33:00.001-05:00

One of my uncles, who I sometimes think should be nominated for sainthood, married my aunt after she had already had my cousin (who was 7) and divorced his, too immature at the time, father (when the boy was 3). Now there are many stepfathers in this world. Even Joseph married Mary (aka MMOG) after she got knocked up with the Son of God. Talk about hard to follow in the biological dad's footsteps...but I digress.
Anyway, this Uncle was/is quite the stepfather. He took on quite a challenge, because my cousin was quite the hyper monkey (his own son is a clone of him-karma's a bitch) and prone to not listening to authority. I imagine, nowadays, he'd be labeled ADHD and medicated, but this was the early eighties, so, yanno... So one of Uncle's ways of being a good father figure was trying to inset a little discipline into Brian's life (yeah, that's his name). Because Brian was so hyper, it really was a good idea to try to calm him down, and Uncle did this by using some phrases that became a bit of a joke amongst the family. This wasn't a joke on him so much as a "poor Uncle, he tries so hard and Brian is such a stubbornly hyper little shit." Uncle went on to have 2 kids with my aunt and their first born son got married 2 weekends ago. He's 26. Shit, I am OLD.
Well...long story short, more than once, I personally heard Uncle sternly stop Brian in his tracks (for that millisecond it could be done) and declare in his Western Kentucky accent "time a get focus' Brine, time a get focus.' Translation: Time to get focused, Brian. Time to get focused.
Well, Brian will be 34 years old in about a week, but that phrase has stood the test of time in many of our family members' minds, including mine.
And tomorrow starts the next phase of the "time 'a get focus'." for me.
Allan's Spawn of the Son of the Double Dog Dare Ya challenge starts tomorrow. After a sluggish start to Phase 2 (Son of DDDY), I'm now seeing results. So I'm gearing up to go to phase 3. I have to decide tonight, whether or not to join the hardcore 1200 cal group or the goal weight calorie group (that's 1463 for me). Regardless, I really want to do this right and get some more fat off my ass before January when I start my program. You know, in the dead of winter (WTF, college, WTF?) To say I am almost 50 lbs down from this time last year would kick ass.
Check him out nya. It's too late to join now, if you're not in already. And if you don't like challenges or he's too blunt for you, that's cool, BUT he deserves a helluva lot of credit for this. He's consulted experts and is doing a whole lot of work for people he doesn't even know. For free (!). So I feel I owe it to him to go for this. And for fucks sake, anyone who loses 150 lbs in less than 7 months deserves props. That's a whole person in normal sized people terms (as in, not overweight).
So, pray for me kids, I need to do well with this, and not just to avoid the wrath of King Al. I need to get rid of the last of my relapse weight and move forward and be healthy. For my future children, for my future patients and to torture my husband for many many years (muahahahaha). But also for myself.

To the Breasticles:

2010-12-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

STOP SHRINKING.
Seriously.
The last time I wrote to you about this, I was at least 5 lbs heavier. Apparently, you decided that losing those 5 lbs meant losing 5 lbs of you. I have news for you, girls. There wasn't 5 lbs of you then.
The waist shrinking is lovely. I get more satisfaction than I have any right to in the fact that my ribs stick out when I'm ~~trying to get avoid getting my lazy ass out of bed in the mornings~~ lying down.
And while my ass is still far too large for such a small stature, it is reducing in size. I think it may be a good 2 oz. less voluminous. So there's progress for you.
But YOU. You two aren't allowed to go any further down. I would like to have children and be able to breastfeed. This will not be easy with two pieces of pepperoni stuck to my upper ribcage, instead of boobies.
Borrow from my ample ass, borrow from my upper arm fat, wide hips, thunder thighs or pot belly...something! Just stop getting smaller.
I may even buy you a pretty bra, but we will not be going into the training bra section(do they still have those?). So if you get that small, well, tough...titty (yeah, I went there) no pretty bras for you. Understand?
Good.
XOXOXO,
Me

Hot 100 Update: December 3rd

2010-12-03T12:28:00.000-05:00

Hey kids!
Here's my stats:
1. Today I weighed at work for shits and giggles. I started to weigh myself on the Wii in the afternoons after work. Yes, it means my weight is higher, but I have enough trouble getting my shit together to get out the door (NOT a morning person), and Wii Fit takes so long to cue up, it's not worth it to try to do it in the mornings. Weekends are the exception, I imagine.
At any rate, I was shocked to discover, yesterday that my weight after work after at least 64 oz of H2O and 2 meals (and lots of peeing, natch) I weighed EXACTLY what I weighed on Sunday for Allan's challenge. And that was me weighing after no food & no water for the previous 8 hrs. Just sleeping and peeing before weigh in.
So. Today I weighed at work with clothes on, but no labcoat or shoes. 165, according to that scale. I'll take it.
It's no 155, but it's also less than the 167.1 from Sunday.
2.Yeah, thanks to Allan, I get at least 96 oz. (my 24 oz. water bottle 4 times or more). So not a problem.
3./4. Still going well. We're winter-readying the house, so now there's fireplace stuff and wood inside, but my fireplace is worth it. We're doing a big clean (like windex and shit and changing and washing towels and sheets) each Wednesday. It's actually satisfying, and I get to indulge some OCD that doesn't involve food. Win-win.
5. Ehhhhhh. I'm not quite there with the cooking, but I am broke as shit until next payday (December 10th), so we have no choice but to eat what we have at home. *shrug*
6. Physical shape??? I'll say yes. I'm still not running like I should, but the water is making me feel much better (aside from the constant need to tinkle).

Tonight I'm meeting with the mentors from the grad school class ahead of mine at a mexican joint. It's funny, because I am broke enough that I really can't have anything but water and diet coke. Yes, that broke. So the food temptation is kind of a moot point. And no, eating bottomless chips and salsa is not part of the plan, either. You know how us compulsive eaters hate to eat in front of virtual strangers, so stuffing my face with chips and salsa is not my idea of a "good idea." Win-win.

I'm amazingly cheerful considering I consider murdering some of my co-workers daily, lately.
But today my new boss complimented my work ethic (this break notwithstanding), so I feel a little vindicated.
And she works crazy long hours, so the compliment holds some meaning for me.

Well, I'm back to the grind...
XOXOXO

Say hello to my little friend

2010-11-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

Oddly enough, I have never seen the movie Scarface. I have just heard the line repeated ad nauseum.
But here he is:

I actually have a clear bite valve now, because I had to get a replacement lid. Somehow I jacked the old ones up ( I can't have nice things). I think I yanked the bite valves off too roughly to clean them, more than likely, thus cracking the hingy parts (technical term). BUT the Camelback people were nice enough to provide (FREE with proof of original purchase receipt!) replacements for me and my husband's water bottles.
Anyway, this is my buddy and I take him nearly everywhere I go anymore, refilling him with water over and over again.
I thought you should be introduced since he is such an integral part of my life these days.

Carry on :)

Slumpter

2010-11-28T18:57:00.000-05:00

For those of you who may not know (which is all of you except my husband), a slumpter is a creature that my niece, G (4, nearly age 5) made up. It's a scary monster that slithers around on the floor and chases people. Namely, her. It disguises itself to look like grandpa or her dad or my husband. One is forced to stand on the highest piece of furniture and very animatedly declare his current location. And LOOK OUT! or he will GET you.
Yes, she is adorable and her expressions are priceless.
My dude and I expounded upon this idea and decided a slumpter was also big and slow and not wanting to do anything useful. And likes to take naps.
Well.
Lately I am feeling a little bit slumpter-ish. Not encouraged, and a bit like a big fail whale.
I haven't gained weight, but I'm not losing either. However, I'm also not busting my ass. I haven't exercised AT ALL since my last 5K. And now that it's balls cold, I am scared to. I can't believe I just wrote that, but it's actually the best word for it. Scared.
I am so intolerant of cold, now. Each time I've lost weight I get less tolerant of cold. When I gained it back, I didn't suddenly get that tolerance back. It just seems to get less and less. When would that shit bottom out? Do I have to live on the sun? No, this last July was too hot, so the sun is not an option. This year. How can a person have this much fat on her ass, literally, and be so cold, so often. But I sweat in my sleep (WTF? Thanks, Prozac.).
The idea of going running in weather that will just get colder until, oh, March freaks me out. What the hell? Who gets that daunted by cold? What a freak!
So I am going out tomorrow to start back up. Even if it involves 75% walking. I just can't put it off any more. My body is pissed that we stopped moving. I can tell. I guess that's encouraging that I'm getting so edgy without having the joy of sweating like a pig and feeling like I'm gonna die ~~running~~ jogging up a hill.
Did I mention my non-existant period is due right now? Yeah. I'm just full of the bitching, aren't I?
I have been getting mixed messages about the impact of exercise on weight loss. My take (today) is that you shouldn't rely on it as an excuse to eat shit. You must alter your diet as well as add activity. Eventually the diet changes effects peter out (huh, PETER, lulz), and you need to move your ass to continue to see change.
Someone who kows more than me about that PLEASE tell me I am right.
MizFit? Bueller? Bueller?
Anyway, just had to get that off my (shrinking) chest. Feel free to ignore the bitching aka the whole post.
kthxbai.

Hot 100 November 26th

2010-11-26T09:56:00.000-05:00

What's this? Three days in a row of posting? Yep.
Here's my update:
1. My weight is actually going down again. I attribute this to drinking tons and tons of water and drinking some bad milk early in the week, thus allowing my body to expel EVERYTHING I consumed the previous 2 days over the next 2 days. Math confusing you yet? Basically between Sunday night/Monday morning and Tuesday, I managed to expel (via my ass) eveything I ate over the weekend. And possibly everything I ate the week before. Not fun. But I did get to see 165 lbs again on Tuesday. Today, I am sporting the sausage fingers thanks to eating too much salt for dinner (Chinese leftovers-yes for Thanksgiving-no matter what I get, there's still a lot of salt) and not drinking enough water with it to counter it. I had plenty of water during the day, but probably managed to pee most of that out before I ate dinner. Soooooo this morning's weigh in at 6:08 before work was still nice and bloaty. I don't mind, though. I've already had 48 oz of water thus far. My stubby sausage fingers are already shrinking back up.
Well, that was nice and full of the bodily functions, wasn't it?
2. The watahhh. Yes. If I don't get over 100 oz of water, anymore, I feel off kilter. I feel like Linus and his blanket when I don't have water nearby. Even at work, we have a mini office thing where people eat. My water bottle is on the microwave so I can reach in for it any time, after finding every tiny cut on my hand via the hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall next to the door. That shit stings. Just sayin'.
3./4. Still chugging along on both fronts. Thanks to the baby brother in law we got a bunch of weedy shit cleared from the yard on Sunday and I got a bunch of my herbs harvested. Every day we're putting them in the dehydrator we got from husband's winemaking uncle. Its getting more use this week than it ever had from us. So far we have dried regular basil, rosemary, thyme, and sage. Aren't I earthy? Yeah, I don't think so either.
5. This one's been in the shitter for weeks now. Since my birthday, really. I haven't had much time to devote to cooking at night. I will do better next week. I promise.
6. Better physical shape this week? Well, I haven't run and I'm fighting a cold, but I'm thinner. Thin does not equal healthy, or so they say, so I'll make this an even not yes, not no. Closer to no.

I have yet another wedding tonight. Yes, on black Friday. I think self-absorbed are the words I'll use to describe her. Stupid idea haver are 3 more. There will be much driving this weekend, plus I work 2nd shift tomorrow and Sunday. I don't have the energy to get shitfaced at this wedding, I'll be lucky to stay awake, so no worries there.

Toodles!
XOXOXO,
Me

An obligatory Thanksgiving post...

2010-11-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

Over on "the facebook" I am doing a daily photo of something for which I am grateful every day for the last 2 months. Totally stole that idea from Krissie and it's been rather rewarding.
So over heeeeeere I decided for today (that whole "day of thanks" thing) to list some things for which I am grateful. And maybe I'll throw in some pictures for good measure...

Yeah, some of these are a little double edged, but it makes me no less grateful.

First and foremost, I am grateful for God. I realize some of you atheists out there might bristle at this, but tough shit. I'm not going to get into a discussion of why I believe in God or attempt to prove His existence, Suffice it to say, I do believe in Him. And yes, I think of God as a "Him." Also, I realize me saying "tough shit" about anything in the same paragraph I mention God may be weird to some, but, well, it's in support of Him, so I don't see why He'd have a problem with it, why should you? I probably see God differently than many, if not most people, and it's hard for me to describe. However, what I can say is that we have a "thing" and it involves me remembering I don't know everything, but He does. It's my job to figure out what He wants me to do with what I do know. See, I told you it was convoluted.

I am grateful for my husband. I cannot begin to list all the things he has given me, intangible things that I could not give myself. At least, not at the time. He has brought me comfort, courage, the ability to deal with an easily distracted person. He has taught me the beauty of enjoying things most people overlook. He's taught me that life is so much better if you just RELAX FOR FUCK'S SAKE! And here's something pervy for you: He's taught me how to walk around naked. Other than the fact that I get cold easily, it is quite comfortable for me now. Will I do it around anyone other than myself, him, and my cats? No. But I would never have been naked, like, ever, alone or with him. Except for that moment I go into or out of the shower. And during sex, because...it's sex. Duh. He's taught me that pushing myself outside my comfort zone can result in good things. He's taught me how to not take myself so seriously. And that is SO FREEING.
I could write forever (hello hyperbole!) about all he has given me and I am grateful for, so let's move on...

I am grateful for my parents. Dear God, they are FAR from perfect, but not once have I ever felt like they did not love me. I didn't even know children experienced conditional parental love until I met my husband. Or rather, his mother. It's not a cheap shot. It's how she's wired, thanks to her own upbringing or something else. Dysfunctional families are a motherfucker (no pun intended). I can forgive this of her, and it could be that she truly does love unconditionally, and merely gives affection/approval conditionally. Regardless, the concept of conditions was not introduced to me until I met my boy. But MY mom and dad? Well, their positive opinion of me borders on ridiculous at times. In my opinion. How can I go back and forth like that? How can I damn one woman's conditions AND my parents' lack of conditions? Moderation. That is what I seek.You know, that thing so many of us lack when it comes to our bodies.
BUT for their limitless love, I am truly grateful. If I have children and I pass one good thing to them, I want that to be it. Preferably I would pass more good things, but that time has not arrived yet, so it's a moot point, yes?

Speaking of kids...

These guys. I am grateful for them for bringing me loads and loads of auntie joy. They have reversed my prior (pretty fucking firm) stance that I wished to remain childfree for the rest of my days. Not "childless." "Childless" implies I am missing something. "Childfree" means I have no children. Semantics, yes, but kind of relevant. Regardless, these little monkeys have made me see that I want children. There. I said it.

And as much as I rail on her, I am grateful for my mother-in-law. Without her, my guy wouldn't exist. Not at the same place and time for me to meet him, anyway. Let's not get metaphysical and shit...And she taught the boy to clean and be organized. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't be so smug about his abilities, but I'll take that over him being a slob.

I am grateful for my father-in-law. He taught J how to fix shit or find someone who can. That is SO underrated these days. I love my old man, but he can't fix much of anything. Jury-rigging...poorly, yes. Fixing? No. He can't help it. My dad was raised in rented homes with landlords and he had no father figure until his teens. No dude ever taught him how to fix stuff. *shrug* I understand. But it sure is nice when things can get fixed or someone who knows what the fuck to do about a broken something can be called. And that would be my father-in-law. Plus he gave my boy his shit eating grin, and that's priceless. And he's fun...when his wife's not around. That one still boggles the mind, but we all do what we must to survive. I can't begrudge him that.

Whew, this is getting long...
I'll cut it there and just say I have a helluva lot of shit to be thankful for.It's amazing I find anything to bitch about. I guess that's what this whole journey is about. Making it so I have nothing to bitch about.

Night kids. Happy Thanksgiving! GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!

Less than a week went by this time!

2010-11-24T21:23:00.000-05:00

Holy shitballs. That's right, another quickie.
I hope and pray tomorrow will be as slow as shit at work and I will have time to post something more meaningful, but I thought I'd drop by on the eve of the 2nd gluttony holiday and wish everyone good luck tomorrow.
My holiday meal will consist of whatever loveliness the hospital cafeteria is providing (this could end up in me choosing a high protein/low carb meal bar and a big ass Coke Zero). It's a "free Thanksgiving Meal for hospital employees," but God only knows what the roadkill they are passing off as turkey will be.
It's the thought that counts. Me and the fella thought we'd have an intimate T-giving of our own this year since we'll see the family Friday night for my (yet another) cousin's wedding.
We went to the honeybaked ham store (his idea) today after work, and apparently that's where ALL the lazy kids go because that place was packed. Oh, and 13.99 for 1.1 lbs of sliced spiral honeybaked ham? No thanks, my cheap ass will pass. I have leftovers of my own for free, bitches.
So yeah, have a good night kids, I'll write more tomorrow, hopefully.
Drink lots of water and try try TRY to eat less than everyone else, at the very least.
XOXOXO,
Mrs. Happy sitting in her lazy pants.

Hot 100 Update-date-date-date November 19th

2010-11-19T14:50:00.000-05:00

Another quickie, y'all.
1. Not 155. Also not Dec 31st. At this point I'd be thrilled with 160 at 12/31.
2. Drinking the water. Ha. I have had at least 100 oz each day. Thanks, Allan!
3./4. These have both been going very well and often occur at the same time.
5. Fail. I need to make a serious grocery trip this weekend to fix this.
6. My physical shape? Well, it isn't any worse than last week, but I can't honestly say it's better, either.
I am hopeful though. I've been more diligent with the calories, less sloppy in my calculations.
In fact, my weight stayed the exact same 3 days in a row. This is unheard of for me and Ms. Wii.
So it's not bad. I can and will do better, but I'm okay today. And that's pretty good considering the last month has been a little "moody."
The red baronness is scheduled to come back to town in a week or so, but meh. She'll probably skip town again. Let's hope the bloating stays to a minimum, so King Al doesn't have a reason to call me out.
Drink your water, kids!

XOXOXO,
me

'Sup kids?

2010-11-16T21:04:00.001-05:00

I miss writing, *sad face*
But as part of my Hot 100 I have been doing house stuff and spending QT with my boy.
And as part of Allan's son of DDDY challenge, I've spent the rest of the time peeing. And eating sweet potatoes. Seriously, y'all, they are the shit. I've had them 2 nights in a row for a low cal dinner. Pumpkin pie spice, splenda and some of that fake spray butter on top=nom nom nom! And they have lots of nutritionals, too.
Sadly, my stomach is now growling, but such is life. I have to go drink some more water and some decaf hot tea before sleepy time. I have had one 32 oz giant red coke cup (before work) and filled my 24 oz water bottle at least 4 times so far. After the 4th time I stopped keeping track and don't bother counting the coffee or medium McD's diet coke I had today. Yeah, the husband had a McRib and an eggnog shake for dinner, I had a nice meaty sweet potato. He's not the one who needs to lose another 35-40 lbs, so more power to him.
I don't have any pictures from the weekend yet because I often take terrible pictures, like blurry, heads cut off pictures. Soooooo I'll end up ganking any good ones from family on facebook...maybe.
But here's a shot of what I drank that night X 3:

I did share some, I won't lie, but yeah. Lots of water, lots of peeing. This was also my friend for the night:

I may not be commenting, but I am trying to keep up with reading when not getting my ass handed to me at work=this week and last week.

Smooches!

A quick post to annouce my utter boring-ness

2010-11-13T12:59:00.000-05:00

Last night was the rehearsal dinner. In my fam, this is an excuse for all the out of town guests to mingle and...drink.
I had about half a punch cup worth of white wine in between guzzling diet cokes. We call them "white cokes" in our family. It started as a joke because someone was being lazy and asking for a can of coke at a family party. Yes, in this region everything is a "coke." Even pepsi. So the question arose, white coke or red coke? AKA diet coke or regular coke.So now we call them white or silver cokes. For the record, beer is blue coke. I think it makes it less evil sounding when a relative asks one of the little kids for a blue coke from the cooler.
Everyone else was guzzling blue cokes and bourbon and red coke. Oddly, I didn't miss it.
I was so excited to see my Louisiana family and everyone else, that I was fine. Also, for the "after party" the out of towners and some local fam went to a bar until 2:30 am. Yeah. I got up at 5:30 Friday morning. I don't want to waste calories on booze, nor be hungover for what promises to be a nice looooong Catholic wedding tonight. So we went back to the hotel, watched tv and crashed.
I think this makes me a grown-up. And given the condition of said family this morning at the hotel breakfast, I think I made the right choice. One relative was still in bed. She did many shots of booze, and it's not her usual thing...Poor J. She's such a nice girl, and she willingly married one of my cousins. What a trooper.
I hope she's better tonight. She has 2 boys, and her 2nd son is a wild thing who is always in motion just like his uncles and cousins at that age. He comes by it honestly, that's for damn sure.
But yeah. I chose boring and it was wise. I promised King Al I'd be good tonight, too. WHO AM I???
Lolz.
Later babies.

Hot 100 November 12 aka Quickest post EVER

2010-11-12T15:22:00.000-05:00

Hot 100 update:
1. Still fat, but after today's epic colon cleansing at work (not my choice), I may be 10 lbs lighter. LOLZ.
2. Thanks to Allan's challenge, I've gone above and beyond this one.
3. Yep.
4. Yep, getting there.
5. Nope. Went out last weekend for 2 nights.
6. ??? I'll go with no. Same shape, not worse, not better.

I have another fam wedding this weekend. Rehearsal dinner tonight, wedding tomorrow. Will post more Sunday.

Sometimes, I piss excellence...but usually just urine.

2010-11-10T21:39:00.002-05:00

Lest anyone think my hopscotch posting is a sign of defeat, I decided to give an update.
Still cleaning like crazy. Like OCD cleaning. It's grand. No, really, it gives me a sense of peace I never had in childhood. Mom wasn't exactly a domestic goddess, nor was her mother. Therefore, since I can't fight every single trait in my family, I can be quite the sloppy bitch. But when things are in their proper place in my house...oh, what bliss.
Yeah, I know. I'm kind of fucked up.
Anyway...
I'm doing Allan's challenge. Look over nya (pointing at cute puppies).
I am drinking like a...I don't know what, but it's a lot of water.
I have always been a big pee-er. But now?
Here's a snapshot of my day (feel free to skim). I decided to document it for shits (which-TMI-I'm not doing as much as I thought I'd be) and giggles.
Peeeeeee:
0755
0852
0940
1110 ( we got really busy at work, so this was a close one)
1345
1451
(might have peed in between here)
1630 (in "Communicable Disease Kroger"'s bathroom-which is actually quite nice)
1800 (home)
1825
Then I lost track because I was home and when home I just go and don't think about it.
Also? I may have had over 140 oz. of water. Okay, I totally did. But again, I lost track after that because they have these fancy things called sinks in your house where you can just keep refilling your cup over and over.
So that's what I've been up to. Working, drinking water, peeing and cleaning. But not cleaning pee. Boring as shit, I know, but I wanted to make sure no one thought I was gorging in secret. Annnnnd posting helps me avoid that. I have been tempted to eat more than my fair share, but the water is really helping. My kidneys aren't too happy with me, but it's worked for other people, so I'm going to do it. Plus, my skin needs all the help it can get.
Later kids!
Love,
me

Not pregnant

2010-11-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

You know that issue I've been ~~bitching~~ talking about, with the monthly visitor and no sign of her, but I still get the bloat and mood swings?
Went to my favorite Dr. that's ever seen my hooha today to get things square regarding how to do my pills. So they ran a pee pee test, just in case, before starting me on anything new.
Well, the first result was "positive"-ish. This is the part where I responded with *blink* *blink* It looked wonky with the lines and all, so after repeating and getting a neg, they decided to send me for a blood draw anyway. CYA, kids. That's the name of the game in medicine, today. (*disgusted sigh*) I was cool with it, because I heart my Dr. and love how thorough she actually is, regardless of lawsuit threats that influence some MD's. *cough* my medical director *cough*

Now this was funny, in part, because most people at the clinic lab draw site know my husband. So I get the "oh, you're Happy Pants' wife, aren't you?" and the big fat HCG (Beta) stamped on my orders. Nice. I'm not saying they would definitely violate HIPPA, but I wouldn't trust some of these folks to not call in "sick" on a weekend, much less keep hot gossip to themselves.
So I texted the boy to let him know. He responded quite well (unnervingly so), and met me for foods. I drank a water, just in case it was actually a positive preg test. Can't be chugging the diet pop with a bun in the oven, can we?
Alas, while spending the next few hours pondering my future, I was called to be told it was negative.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Until today, I was pretty sure it was a non-issue. I took a test last week and it was negative, but who knows? My body likes to fuck with me, and I with it (let's be real, I've abused it, no question). This we have established many times over. I could see there being some ninja HCG that was avoiding being expressed in my oh-so-diluted pee.
I thought about grad school, how my weight loss would reverse itself to a point, and how I'd manage to lose weight after baby. And then there's the baby itself. In spite of my bitchiness, I love babies. Seeing them makes my ovaries all 'splody-like.
Read my Twitter profile. 'Tis true. And in spite of all the complications a child would bring into our lives, especially now with school, I just kind of sat back and said, "Wow." to myself. "So this is how it gets started in my story of motherhood."

Not, "oh fuck." Not, "What am I going to do now?" Just, "Hmmmm. Okay, let's see where we go from here."
Maybe I'm ready to do this (on purpose, eventually), after all.

In flux?

2010-11-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd pop in and say hi.
I had a long weekend, lots of travel and wandering around spending QT with the husband.
It seemed to really do the trick for my mood. That and starting Allan's DDDY challenge tomorrow.
As if I could pee any more...
That being said, I'm kind of waiting to hear from the doctor today. Hence the "in flux."
It's female stuff, natch.
But I miss ~~the validation of your comments~~ writing daily, so I wanted to say hello. Hello.

Where's Pearl Jam when you need them?

2010-11-05T09:54:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am old, dammit.
But I am also still alive. Oh Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I'm still Alive aaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Anyway, here's a quickie Hot 100 update:
1. Fuck no. More on that later. Basically I have managed to gain 4.5 lbs in 2 weeks, even though my diet has not changed too dramatically. My period never showed up, so now it's time to lose that weight like it was (and it probably was) just fat the whole time. And no, I'm not pregnant. I checked.
I'm thinking that I will not reach my 155 goal by December 31st. This pisses me off, but I'm not eliminating it from my goal list. I want to look at it every day and see what I still need to do. Just because i'm going to fail to reach that goal doesn't mean the goal isn't worthy, yes?
2. Agua=good.
3. Husband LOL'ing. Also good.
4. The reason I haven't updated since Monday? I've been working on this one. It's getting much nicer. Clothes are being purged and surfaces bleached. Good times. So finally I have a thumbs up on this one.
5. Epic fail. I have been extraordinarily lazy about cooking. There isn't really a good excuse, but there it is.
6. Nope. I feel like a total bloated fatass.

Please don't say "sorry" or "hope next week goes better." Don't be sorry, it's my fault and I need to stop being such a little bitch about it.
I'm incredibly disgusted and that's all I can say for myself.
In other news, I'm in for Allan's challenge starting Monday.
Stay tuned.

Token post...

2010-11-01T19:58:00.000-04:00

Going to go to bed very early tonight. We have been staying up way too late, lately, so we're resetting our internal clocks tonight.
I know, absolutely thrilling.
For those of you on red dot watch, still no sign of the bitch.
I drank tons of water today, though, so perhaps we can flush some of the salt out at the very least.
By tons, I mean at least 3 fills of my swanky new water bottle full of water. I fill it to the top and it holds 32 oz. I measured :)
That being said, I lost track after the 3rd time I filled it. So it's either 3 or 4...Regardless, it's at least 96 oz.
I think I peed at least once an hour today. Fantastic. I'm sure my co-workers appreciated that. But I'm quick, so they may not have missed me much. What they probably do wish they missed was hearing me say "Be back, I gotta pee," about 8 times today. I feel I should announce it, so people know I will be back soon. Especially when we're getting our asses handed to us. *shrug*
I'm seriously thinking of joining Allan's challenge challenge. Phase 2. I'm curious to see what he's up to. And if it helps me drop my fat ass, all the better.
Later babies...

Well, that's one eating holiday done.

2010-10-31T23:03:00.002-04:00

Happy Hollow weenies!
I found myself looking longingly at all that fucking candy everywhere I went. But as I said before, it's been long enough that I'm not about to fuck it up on this particular Halloween. Even though I am still craving chocolate like a motherfucker (I go sugar free cocoa, but too much of anything is a bad idea for me). And salt. Aaaaaaand that bitch, Aunt Flo, has yet to show her skank ass...Sooooooo, I'm holding. Bloated and pissy, but holding. Don't worry, in 2 days I'll be bitching about how much I hate this whole hemorrhaging once a month business and how I want it to be done.
Meanwhile, I'm going to get my ass back in the saddle and pretend I'm not carrying extra water weight and dark clouds of moodiness (partly fueled by the thought that it ain't water weight, my ass just got fatter).
I'm giving it until Tuesday.

Sigh...I honestly don't know when the hell I start anymore. Just when the placebo pills start and stop. My new pack starts on Thursday (aren't you glad you know such intimate details of my birth control method??? I know you are), so if she hasn't shown her face by then, I'll know there's no reason for me to carry water weight. I'll know I'm just fatter and need to rectify it. With a vengeance.

And really? Why not do that anyway? As they say in the (insert addiction here) Anonymous groups, "half measures availed us nothing."
So let's go, shall we?

*disclaimer: Sorry to any of you readers with the twig and berries. You take your chances when reading a blog by someone with a pichka.

Earned tiredness...

2010-10-30T19:47:00.000-04:00

I'm honestly too tired to post much of substance. Like, not even the usual out of ass talking.

The 5K went pretty well, in spite of being left in the dust by all those youngsters. I beat my last time by about 20 seconds. LOLz.
Pro-Tip, when your sweatshirt is too hot and you need to take it off, don't worry about re-pinning your race number to your t-shirt. Even though I did all this while walking, I think I added about 3 minutes to my time by slowing to do that. Even when I took walk breaks during this race, they were was brisk, but when fumbling with my sweatshirt and safety pins and trying not to drop anything...yeah...slowness, I had it. Regardless, I still beat my old time. Hee.

Lunch was good, although the service was notably bad. The girl waiting on us didn't usually work there, she said...*shrug* The baby was an adorable chunky monkey with the most chill demeanor I've seen on a baby in a while. She was just checking everything out and let anyone hold her. Mom gave minimal lack of grandchildren guilt. And she bought me scrubs that fit for a birthday present. Go Mom!
Now if my plumbing would behave and end the sausage-finger party, I'm golden.
Goodnight, kids.

'Nother quickie update

2010-10-29T21:45:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the brevity of the earlier update. Oh, and the extra sprinkling of bitch.

My weight has been steadily climbing all week long and on the evil little Wii Fit, it appears as though I have gained, like 6.5 lbs in a week, or some such bullshit.

I did have Mexican food for dinner on my birthday, Monday. And 2 margaritas. I highly doubt that set me back that far. I am willing to let myself have one shit meal on one day of the year.

All hope is not lost, though. I am doing my damndest to dodge the three horsemen of the fatsass apocalypse, as King Al would say. As an aside (and no, I'm not kissing his ass), I LOVE that analogy. Throw in New Year's Eve's potential for excessive drinkage of high sugar and malted beverages plus fatty finger foods, and you'll have all four.

No candy bought for trick or treat (not an issue since I haven't eaten that in 10 years and have no intention of starting this year, thanks).

I am working Thanksgiving first shift, as is my husband. I offered to work for someone else, since my spouse was assigned this holiday. We aren't going up for dinner because we both have to be back at 7 am. By the time we'd get to the N. Ky. It'd be 5:00 p.m. at best. Given that it would be "smart" to be in bed by 10 p.m., to get to work on time at 7 am, that would mean we'd have to leave the N.Ky. by 8:30 p.m. at the latest.
Spending 3.5 hours for food that may have been delicious while hot, but is now S. aureus fresh (Clinical Microbiology classes are fun!)? Not worth the gas money. Especially since we're going up Friday night for my cousin's wedding. Don't get me started about how stupid it is to schedule your wedding on black Friday. At any rate, we'll be seeing that family the day after turkey day, so why waste the time traveling and eating the wrong stuff in small amounts, yes?

Annnnd I got assigned Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Second shift. Sorry, baby Jesus. Oh, and the spouse volunteered to do Christmas Eve THIRD shift (after asking me first), to plug a hole in the schedule.

I will be able to get to Mass, though, so really? I think I'm the winner here.

I am 35 years old with no children. I think I will be okay with not opening gifts with my parents on Christmas morning. The driving back and forth just is not worth it to me when I can spend more and better (unrushed) time, later.

All this being said, I am SO pissed about the weight numbers. And yeah, it's a lame as shit excuse, but the red tide is getting ready to roll, and my emotions and my swollen sausage fingers are proof. I thought I was feeling punky last week. Ha! I was all set to write an angry post this morning at work (that stupid tricky quiet time it is right before everyone in the hospital decides they want something from my department). But we got busy. All day. Stupid phone calls were a-plenty. Yes, your patient has a current specimen. Why don't YOU look it up in the computer we BOTH have access to, so I can finish working on these other 3 people's blood for the OR? Now what I said on the phone was , "Sure, let me check! No problem!" Ahem...

So.

I may act like a bitch, but I will do my job and not neglect my patients. Hence, the TL; DR version.

Guess this wasn't too quick after all. *shrug*

Tomorrow promises to be brighter. I have another 5K in the a.m. and in the afternoon I get to go to "tea" with my mom, my husband (no, he hasn't magically sprouted a vagina), some lady friends and a perfectly squishy little baby I haven't seen in person since she was born 4 months ago. This will bring much happiness. Except for dodging the stink eye from my mom about my lack of breeding.

Tomorrow, when running the 5K, I promise to try really hard not to compare myself negatively to all those sweet young hardbodies I will be sharing cadavers with, come January. I'm older, fatter, and still hitting the pavement instead of giving up, so there.

Hot 100 Update October 29th

2010-10-29T09:14:00.001-04:00

TL;DR version:

1. No

2.Yes

3. Yes

4. In progress, so yes.

5. No.

6. Not really.

Look on the side to see my goals.

Grrrrr.

The great clothes purge...

2010-10-28T19:47:00.001-04:00

For the last few days, my husband and I have been organizing our clothes, throwing stuff out/packing to give to Goodwill, and hopefully will soon be packing out of season (too cold or too hot) clothing away. This is what grownups do, I think.
It's weird looking at some of these things I used to fit into (small) and others I shrunk out of again (big). And some shit, I just don't like anymore.
The mind plays crazy tricks on you, doesn't it?
Hot 100 update tomorrow.
Not much time to write, but wanted to say hi.
XOXO,
Me

Insert witty title here:

2010-10-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

I went running tonight on the route where I am going to do my 5K on Saturday.
And? I beat the time I had for the race I did in May. Just two minutes faster, but fuck yeah!
I'm going to be sore tomorrow, I think, but I earned it.
So here's a ridiculous smiling picture for you. I am likely to regret this, but...

That's about an hour post run. Dried sweat=sexxxxxay me.
I got my husband to take the picture because I knew he'd make me genuinely smile. I believe this particular shot was my response to his, "Oh noes. I missed the button! Picture fail!"
Yes, my head is that shiny. Yes, my head is that big. No, I do not like my teeth, but cannot help showing them when my husband makes me laugh. And yeah, the more weight I lose, the bigger my nose looks. I'm okay with that, though, because I got my dad's nose instead of my mom's clown ball nose (her words).
Hey look! Collarbones!

Now then, after that exercise in narcissism, I want to direct you over here to wish one of my favorite people I've never met in person (yet!) some prayers or happy juju (for you heathens out there...I keed, I keed). She's having surgery tomorrow and that shit is scary. Let's send our warm and cuddly vibes out there for a fab surgery and a speedy recovery. Yes? Yes.

Now go out and play hard! *smacks your ass*

Dogpile?

2010-10-26T20:59:00.003-04:00

Part of me wants to write a thoughtful response to the most recent Marie Claire magazine transgression, but honestly? I think everyone else has had enough to say and many have said it better.
One thing I do know is that that ding dong (yes I use words like fuck and shit, but ding dong describes her to me) is regretting her word choices right now.

Maybe it's the OA training I had, but I feel that adding one more log on the flames that are engulfing that author serves no one. To be perfectly honest, I feel bad for her. As I said to Curvy, What's worse than fat rage? Nerd rage. I belong to both groups. We smell our own. Thanks to the almighty internet, the authoress now has both to contend with. I do not envy her.

That being said, she verbalized what so many of us internalize. Our undeserving-ness of the good things in life that aren't food because we can't/don't/ARE FINALLY (after much work) get/getting our shit together about food. I think it is her stating explicitly, what so many of us (myself included, obviously) believe other people think of us. And there she is, balls out, saying it. Saying, yes, as a matter of fact, I do think you're a disgusting piece of shit that does not deserve love or affection. No, she didn't say that. I'm paraphrasing, dammit.

ANYWAY...I think that's what has people up in arms. Not just that she thought it, but she wrote it, essentially spoke it, and therefore believes it. It's the reality that people dislike us based on something we didn't do to them that has gotten everyone's panties in a bunch. And rightly so. But jumping her shit over and over again? Well, she may be a ding dong, but I'm pretty sure she knows she fucked up. I don't need to tell her that.
Okay, so I guess I did say something about it.

I'm getting good at these short posts.

2010-10-25T16:51:00.000-04:00

These things happen when you get a bit busy. *shrug*
Indeed, as my workmate (with the October 30th birthday) says, all the cool kids are born in October, so I've had some travelling this weekend in addition to the little soiree on Saturday night. I behaved and everything and am trying to ignore the fact that I am at least 10 years older than 75% of my classmates. There are only 40 of us in the program, though, so you do the math. It was kind of funny because people kept picking at the food and saying, "why am I eating? I just ate a burger." Even thin people eat when they are nervous about meeting new people. Who knew? Personally, I ate one plate of food and was done. I had wine, but didn't go crazy. I guess I was acting mature or some shit.
So my original idea was to blog every day for a month until my birthday.*Shameless plug* But really, why not continue until the end of the month? I'm doing my "daily picture of something for which I'm grateful" thing for the whole month, so...I'm not done spilling and bitching about my business yet and therefore will keep going. Maybe not always daily, but regularly. It's cathartic talking to my imaginary friends. It also helps me stay accountable. Oh, and the feedback is actually very comforting.

I don't know if it's because I'm old or what, but I have no clue what to do today. Husband has asked about 20 times. Thus far I have lazed around ALL DAY. I took a few days off work on either side of the weekend for a b-day gift to myself. Definitely an idea worth repeating.
So as soon as my husband ~~gets done pooping~~ is ready, I'm thinking we'll go to the mall and get pounded on by a little Asian fella for 22 minutes, or whatever it is. Then dinner eventually.
Oh, here's a picture of me smiling, too.

Busy day...

2010-10-24T21:04:00.000-04:00

However, on my way home I was listening to a mix CD I made years ago.
This song came on, and I forgot how much I liked it and still do. Reminds me of where I was and where I am now and how some things have definitely changed for the better. Namely, less resentment of the "beautiful people."
Enjoy. Or not. :p

Beautiful

More substance tomorrow, kiddies. And maybe even a smiling photo!

Quickie Saturday Post

2010-10-23T14:04:00.000-04:00

I actually have plans for tonight. I know, right?
I'm going to a cookout to meet some of my new classmates for grad school. There will be some social lubrication consumed. I do have it built into my calories for the day, if anyone cares.
Also, I made sure to get the day started properly by starting with a calorie deficit.

Yes, that is a sweat mark on my shirt under my collar. Yes, my neck is shiny with sweat. Yes, I DO in fact, sweat like a whore in church.
But I got a good 50 minutes in, 45 of which were actual running. Achilles tendon is doing well. Good times.
Hopefully the grad school kids won't have too much of a head start on me in the happy liquid consumption. Many are going to the horse track first. People tailgate there. Seriously. Like a football game, but for horse racing. Weird. Apparently, Kentuckians can drink for everything.
Oh well, see you tomorrow with more tales.
Love,
Me

Hot 100 update for Oct 22nd

2010-10-22T14:35:00.002-04:00

Woo. The time is flying, isn't it kids?Thanks for all the comments, by the way. It made me feel all squishy warm and loved.So, onward and upward, yo!

Here's a quickie update since I may not get any more time today:
Here's how the goals are chugging...
1. Weight 155 or less by 12/31/10
Well, I just weighed myself today and the Wii Fit says 164.5. Lowest since...when we got the Wii in July 2009. This tells me: a) I'm doing all right. and b) I'm not retaining water. Go pee!
2. Drink at least 64 oz water a day: Done. Yesterday involved guzzling before bed, but when I'm off work I tend to forget how often I'm refilling my big red cup, so I just drink it to be sure.
3. Husband ha ha's. Yep. I like to make him laugh. He gets that lovey look in his eye that says that he's glad he married such a twisted beyotch who's weird like himself.
4. House...eh. Not much improvement there. We'll give that one an X.
5. Cooking. I got 5 out of 7 nights. Thinking I may compromise and make it this from now on. Not 4, not 6 nights per week. I'm being smarter with my food choices when out, I just DO pick things up more than I should...I will work on this.
6. Better physical shape than last week. Hard to say. I have been running, but today I'm nursing a sore Achilles tendon. I'm paranoid about royally fucking it up since I have a race next Saturday and had to take time off for a self-inflicted muscle strain the week before the LAST time I ran a 5K. So I'd like to head this one off before I am forced to not run. I think tomorrow I will be good to run again, though. :)

That's it, babies!

Kind of not feeling it...

2010-10-21T20:24:00.000-04:00

I've already cried migraine once this week, but my head is not liking me.
And now it's confession time. I feel a little bummed that some people stopped following me or do not have me on their blogrolls. Oddly, I gained some followers, also.

The perfectionist in me hasn't been squashed completely, I guess. This will come in handy for school, so I shouldn't mind. However, when I do sense imperfection, especially regarding something about me, I get anxious. But this is only the internet (my imaginary friends, as my husband calls it), and I totally shouldn't care who likes or dislikes what I write. So me being bummed about people cutting me off? That, my friends, is what you call LAME. Or hormonal. I know it's the dumbest excuse out there for so much shitty behavior by so many women, but it does affect things. And not just my ability to gain multiple lbs of of water and lose it again in a matter of days. SNAP OUT OF IT, WOMAN!

Okay, so....
I do want to know if anyone cares about what I've been writing about recently. I'm a little worried I scared people off by my truth telling about my weight loss history.
Please let me know if I'm wasting time, or if you're finding something of value in it.

Oh. I ran today. I think I may be speeding up a little, but I had to make it a short run because I fail at time management ~~almost all the time~~ frequently. So the potential of me speeding up makes me happy.
In the pants, no less.

So if you could, drop me a line and let me know if I need to cut out the darker shit. I just might listen. Or not.

More chatter from me, myself, and I

2010-10-20T22:20:00.001-04:00

These things tend to take on a life of their own, don't they?

I saw from people's comments that my bulimic behavior is more dramatic to others than it is to me.

I know it was stupid, and my mom would be super pissed/weepy if she knew about it, but it is in the past. I appreciate the support, but don't feel I really deserve any praise for ceasing the behavior. Kind of like "quitting" smoking. I smoked off and on from age 17 to about 25. Never heavily and never more than about 2 packs a week. Unhealthy, yes. Chain-smoking addicted? No. My dad? Well, I don't think he can go more than 30 minutes without a cigarette. I'm not exaggerating. Actually, they live about 90 minutes from me, and he has survived the trip without smoking in the car, but it is very hard for him. My mother's mouth likely does not help. He will wake up in the middle of the night and smoke a cigarette. I can't help but wonder if he's so addicted that the nicotine withdrawal wakes him up. Orrrrrr he's just an old man and old people need less sleep. Who knows? Again, like the throwing up, I get the urge and still crave a cigarette now and then, but don't remember the last time I had one. And by one I mean literally one. The last few times were more like, "this wasn't as good as I remember," so I toss half the butt. I think it was 2 or 3 years ago???

Anyway, thanks, but I almost feel like a poser for even admitting that is part of my disordered eating behavior history. I never took laxatives (I’d read an article where a bulimic hooked on them said you start to stink). I'd just binge, and purge. And the "dedicated" purging only took place over the course of about a year. Funny thing is, I didn't think of it as binging at the time. I'd just eat in my normal manner, then purge. I never set out to eat an amount big enough to "require" purging. I just ate a whole lot of food. That was normal to me. It was not like those made for TV movies where the girl is sitting there shoving the food in and then running to the bathroom covering her mouth, just barely making it to the toilet.

Are you sufficiently grossed out yet? It's okay. It's pretty fucking vile.

I don't know. It's not denial so much as a "my experience is much less important than people who really really really struggled and continue to struggle to fight the urge to binge AND purge."

*shrug*

I wonder if I have alienated anyone with my admission of ~~cheating~~ being guilty of having a past that involved not retaining every piece of crap I put in my mouth. Apparently, I have gained a follower since I last checked. Hmm. So maybe not.

Now back to the OA biz. And really, this could be a very large part of why I haven't made purging a lasting habit...Binging is bad mmmm'kay? This was clear from day one. So if I binged and purged, I was still binging. And since I wanted to do this 12 step thing right...the binging had to stop completely. So purging was no longer an issue.

Now for those of you who don't know (and if you don't know, I have NO idea why you are still reading this), binging and overeating have nuanced differences. At least, that's how I see it. There's going batshit crazy and consuming very large amounts of food (binging, to me) and just eating too much (overeating, to me). This could be large/very large portion sizes, not stopping when full, eating until uncomfortably full.

Binging is overeating, but overeating is not necessarily binging. Yes? I can eat half a bag of cheesy poofs while watching TV for 2 hours, and that's about 700 calories of shit I just ingested. That is overeating (or in this case, pretty damned stupid on my part for even trying to eat cheesy poofs from the bag (!) and watching TV at the same time). Then again, this could also be a binge. Who the fuck knows?

My point (and I do have one) is this: I don't remember the last time I had a binge, whether it was a huge amount of one thing or a huge amount of many things. However, I have had oversized portions or mindlessly eaten too much of something while multitasking/flapping my jaws with people. I have "overeaten." Definitely in the last year, probably in the last month. Now what constitutes a proper portion? Well, it depends. With some things like meat and cereal and cheese, there are guidelines. Deck of cards, tennis ball, 3 dice...You've seen them. But what about crap? How much of something should you eat when you really shouldn't eat it at all (like a hot fudge sundae)? Hard to say. For me, certain things are off limits. Some things I have to guess, and deal with the consequences. And I guess that's how I get back to OA.

Let me start by saying that, like my partner in pants, after the first meeting I felt such a sense of relief when I discovered that my family and one or 2 other people I knew were not the only people who ate like this. It felt so good to be with people who “got it,” even if “it” was pretty fucked up.

Unlike my partner in pants, my particular group did not discuss specific foods. In fact we tippy toed around so much to avoid triggering people and not coming across as controlling others by deciding what they should eat, that things were kind of...ambiguous. It was often hard for me to get a straight answer out of many people because of the choking amounts of political/food-itical correctness. Looking back, I think part of my growing dissatisfaction with my group was the nervous/neurotic quality of some of the people there. This was part of their particular brand of crazy that drove them to eat. I could respect that because I was/am disordered, too, but fuck they made me edgy sometimes. Mind you, I left that group because I moved away to go to med school 80 miles away (another saga), not because I actually had had enough of them. Now I think that if I hadn't moved, I might have been scared to go elsewhere because it was the only meeting that worked with my schedule, and I wasn't willing to bend over backwards to go to meetings. In retrospect, I should have been willing to look elsewhere. I might have found more mentally healthy people. As a compulsive overeater with diagnosed (and still being treated) clinical depression, I think I have a right to say that. Just because I'm nuts doesn't mean you aren't. Yes? Yes.

But after the official meetings? Well, after my 2nd or third meeting I was showing someone my food tracking...and that's where I really learned about some of the hardass stuff.

Lemme back up. Before my time, and during my mother's time, there was actually one (maybe 2) food plans. Named for the color of sheet they were printed on. No shit. It was that simple. Grey sheet was, from what I gathered, pretty much a straight up Adkins diet. Sugar and white flour were the enemy. If you deviated from your food plan (and like AA, you had to call your food to a sponsor DAILY) you started back at day one. Maybe it was 2 times, but I don't recall since I was not in it yet. The addicts/alcoholics call it sobriety. We call it abstinence. You know, like sex. You fucked up in ANY way; you could have 6 months of abstinence, tough shit. That coin doesn't mean a damned thing because you're back at day one, chief. Needless to say, this caused problems. Obviously, this made my mother's foray into OA pretty short lived. For a supposed people pleaser, she sure doesn't like to be told what to do. Also? If you "had a slip" (and that is what they called it) twice, and you had to get a new sponsor. Clearly this sponsor would not work out for you and you should not be wasting their time either with your refusal to adhere to the guidelines. Oh, and EPIC FAIL.
How do I know so much about this if I was too young to be there? Well, for one thing my mother has a very big mouth. But you knew that. Also, the old timers at my meeting told me. This was part of why some of them were so reluctant to discuss food. There was also a splinter group that may or may not still exist called HOW. I forget what it stands for. But they go by those old hard and fast rules.

Are you bored yet?

The main problem this former way caused, aside from people just flat out failing, was that it caused some people to shift their compulsive behavior to adherence to the plan. They got neurotic about weighing and measuring. Now all you people who do weigh and measure, don't get pissy. I weigh and measure many things to this day. As in, today. For example, I knew one chick (and I truly wish I knew how to contact her again, because she rocked), who said she knew there was something wrong when she was standing in her kitchen trying to decide if one extra grain of rice over the line of her measuring cup would be considered "not abstinent."

Why does that matter? Well, one main goal of programs like OA and AA and NA and all the other A's is to fix what's inside you, because that will alleviate the destructive behavior. Some are lucky enough to have the compulsion to "use" removed altogether. But this requires keeping your head and heart straight. Otherwise, that shit comes a-flying back and might bring some nasty friends along to beat your ass as well.

Obsessing over grains of rice instead of "taking your own inventory" and "keeping your side of the street clean," well, that's just trading compulsions and not making anyone better.

So.

As I said before, I got to meet some people who were doing some of the more restrictive plans. And some of them, well, some of them really liked telling people what to do. Not exactly keeping their eyes on their own papers. So when I was at my 2nd or 3rd meeting, and (afterward) was looking for someone to look at my food tracking and give feedback… This person was more than happy to oblige. And then, with another person, they proceeded to scare the living shit out of me by basically telling me that I could NEVER EVER have certain things again.

Now, remember, I was ripe for the picking here. I weighed over 250 lbs and was just trying to do the best at this, whatever "this" was. That was not the best experience and one might say it scarred me a bit, but not how you might think. Instead of rebelling, I panicked (silently, natch). I'm sure other thoughts crossed my mind, but this was 10 years ago, folks.

I was a nervous wreck. I was suddenly afraid to eat much of anything that wasn't a lean cuisine. Later, the Aunt talked me down a little, got very pissed about my “helper,” and basically helped me see that there were less...dramatic ways to approach the situation. In fact, it was this kind of "zealotry" that led to OA abandoning the crayola sheets as a requirement and instead adopting the "free to choose a plan" concept. You had to track, overeating was not part of the plan (duh), and then, from there, you and your sponsor would come with...A PLAN OF EATING...this could be gray sheet, orange sheet (which I think is more similar to South Beach style), something you come up with an actual dietitian/doctor...whatever. The point was that you needed to stick to it. And certain things were discovered that seemed to make their way through to each plan because they helped avoid going off plan or overeating. Therefore, excess weight would come off and maintenance would be possible.

Some of those ideas are things I hold to today that may or may not work for anyone else. See, there's that political correctness crap I was talking about. But really? Here? Where things can get so subjective? I can't say for sure what EVERYONE should do. I just know what I've seen work and not work. So when everyone gets all pissed at King Al and his strict approach? Well, he's not pulling it out of his ass. It does work.

Sadly, it's the matter of getting yourself to the place where you can stick to a healthier way of eating (without feeling the need to rebel or go off track) that's often tricky for so many, including me.

The real key here, *I* believe (and I don't think I'm alone), is to get your head on straight (and your heart, dammit, that's very key), so that you can "see" with all of yourself that eating destructively has no benefit.

You must stop trying to fix things (and life will always give you something to fix) using the wrong fucking tool.

The alternative? Getting fatter and fatter until it kills you. AND? Whatever drives you to eat yourself to death is still broken. Why the FUCK would you want that?

So after the purple unicorn ate a dingo...

2010-10-19T22:26:00.000-04:00

I don't know. It was the first thing that popped into my head.

So let's get this history train a rollin', shall we?
Please forgive the way I am sure to jump around, but that's kind of my writing/thinking/speaking style, anyway, so you're probably used to it.
I guess I'll start here:

That's me on the far left. I posted this in an earlier blog post. It was early May of 1999. I had managed to balloon from what was probably 190 or so to this. I imagine it's not too far off from my top weight (that I actually saw on a scale) of 254. This weight gain took place in a year and a half. Talent for the getting fatness. I haz it.

Let's backtrack, shall we?

Between my junior year of high school when I topped out at 230+ and when I entered college, I had managed to barf my way down to about 160. That's a whole 'nother entry. Full of fucked up thoughts and rationales and...barfing. To this day, I'd say maybe 3 (not counting my recovering anorexic/bulimic cousin who probably "sensed" how I did it) people know about this little foray into the glamorous* world of eating disorders. I underplay it, in part, because I no longer throw up on purpose, and also because the binging/overeating/grazing is the real underlying issue WITH ME. Throwing up was my way of cheating the system, if you will. I don't want to say I "outgrew" it, because that's VASTLY underestimating the seriousness of bulimia. A seriousness that kills people daily. And the seriousness that some bloggers (that I follow) have had to overcome with a great deal of help.
With all honesty, to say I never get the urge would be a lie. I'll try not to get too graphic here, but basically, when my tummy is feeling all queasy ~~or I had way too damned much to drink~~ I am highly tempted to get the sickness out by using my own force. But it's not a good road to travel down, and I don't want to travel that slippery slope. One demon at a time.

So while at college, I started exercising (if those fuckers were taking my money for an activity fee, I was using the gym). Half heartedly, yes, but the gym was nice, and I loved riding those bikes and seeing the calories tick by. However, I am a lazy creature by nature, and half-hearted=half-assed. Over the time I was at school I made efforts here and there to exercise. I actually enjoyed it, until my usual slothlike tendencies resumed.

Incidentally, that's why I'm kind of pumped about now. I get something from running I never got before from exercise.
Also? There's this thing that I've found in blog land where I see every day how people, some bigger than I am, sometimes by a hundred pounds, are exercising. Regularly. And making it seem appealing! And? Some days they don't feel like it, like me. Or, they don't feel like it, but do it anyway. I don't know. There's just something that changed for my brain and made physical activity seem "good" for lack of a better word.
And as King Al, says (or something like it), you can't argue with the math. Well, you can't argue with the physics, either. Objects at rest tend to stay at rest. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. The more motion I get, the more I want to move. And I guess, in a way, I'm now slaying some demons of my almost entirely fat youth. I have never been good at running. I was a damned fine softball player (third base and catcher), considering how fat I was. But running? No fucking way. But now I am. Slow as shit, but it sure as hell isn't walking.
Am I miserable while doing it? Often! But the feeling I get afterwards, and many times during? It. Is. Great. Not a "Yay, me! Aren’t I special?” but a "Boosh! Did it!" *grunt* or some other unladylike noise.

It seems I have gone off track again...I ran tonight, btw. The time could have been better, but it felt good. Thus far, I'll say running in fall=best running weather for me.

Where was I? Ah, yes, inertia. So over the course of 3.5 years (I graduated early. AP credit for the win, betches!). I managed to go from 160....150........190. Learning the awesomeness of Mexican food that is not Taco Bell and learning that beer when paired with the right food is good...oh yeah, and I'm a compulsive eater...well, the weight came back to an extent, even with half-hearted vomit breaks once in a blue moon.
Then I moved back home. I'm not sure exactly what went wrong (or continued to go wrong) in my head (and that is the key thing, here), but I REALLY packed on the poundage. Over 60 lbs in a year and a half. Fan-fucking-tastic. I'd say it was the combination of being a compulsive eater, an actively alcoholic father (who annoyed the shit out of me and got on my nerves more than anything), a co-dependent mother who escalates EVERYTHING, a general malaise at not getting into med school, a 2nd shift job, and a boyfriend (now husband) who eats utter shit when he remembers to eat. And I kept up with him (without the forgetting to eat part).
That last one I'll address later, but I will say this: He can eat shit (until his bad genes kick in) because he can stop. I cannot. We are two different people. What he eats should have no bearing upon what I eat. I just bite my tongue when people blame their significant others' eating for their own.

I imagine I did not gain much weight in the time between that picture above and a year later in these:

Ugh. Really? Really.

Big. Fat. Easter Egg. JM&J! **
I take no responsibility for the bride's color choice. I would have looked shitty, regardless of the choice. This was just...exceptionally Easter-y.

You know, looking at the time span there, it's weird to me that in that year, I was about the same fatness. So again I defer to King Al because, well, he's right. After you hit a certain weight, it actually takes some effort to gain weight. Your maintenance calories are high enough, that you can eat a lot and not gain. You sure as shit won't lose, but gaining takes some power eating. This is not to say that some of you don't go higher before you hit that magic calorie number, but for me, I seemed to not really gain much between May 1999 and April 29, 2000. After reading so many blogs, I now see that as much as it sucked, my high could have been worse. I don't know why that particular spot was where I plateaued. Perhaps with some real effort it could have started climbing again. As an aside, some of you have come so much further than I ever did. So if you still weigh over 250, but you busted your ass to get there from 300+, don't you DARE think I think less of you. You came from a scarier place and made it this far. You have my utmost respect.

So. At 254+ and getting tired of...everything...and knowing I didn't want to vomit my way to a healthy weight (oh, the irony), I followed the advice of my boy's aunt and accompanied her to my first OA meeting. I was ready.

* Uhhhh, that would be heavy sarcasm, there. Some glamourous people have ED's, but it sure ain't glamourous shit.

**Catholics in the house? You know that one, dontcha?

MIGRAINE

2010-10-18T18:36:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe not a migraine, but a thumpy unpleasant headache that makes concentration difficult.
Sorry, but you'll have to read more of my 12 step follies on a different day.
*sad face*

So this is Oregon...tolerant Oregon...

2010-10-17T20:36:00.000-04:00

Maybe one of you would get that reference. However, I highly doubt he's reading this, eh bitch?

And yes, when you've known someone since you were eight years old, Elitist or not, you reserve the right to call them bitch.

Ahem.

I guess this post is going to be a bit linky.

The overwhelming response I got to my query yesterday led me to decide to write about my last big trip down the scale. Thanks, Beth! You win the prize of...???...

I decided to look back at old posts to find any previous references to that time period, and I discovered a) I really do sound like a monkey on crack sometimes. And b) I posted the Lobster knife fight picture twice.

Both are cringe -worthy discoveries.

HOWEVER, a) I am not on crack. As my awesome co-worker who is also overweight stated to her pharmacist while trying to buy cold medicine,"Do I LOOK like I do meth?"

P.S. Thanks, KY meth heads for making it really difficult to get Sudafed except during when a pharmacy is open.

b) The Lobster Knife fight picture has the awesomeness that renders it deserving of repetition. Still, I hate to repeat pictures.

At any rate, I found the post I was looking for, right nya, and feel it tells a large part of the latest scale dive.

This being said, I was not altogether forthcoming. There. I said it. I left out a relevant detail.

This blog does not have my real name on it, and until recently it did not have my face, either. Well, in spite of this pseudo-anonymity, I didn't want to talk about that. And that? That would be my "membership" in Overeaters Anonymous. While it does consititute "group therapy," it also has a name. People react in different ways to this sort of thing. Hence my hesitation.

Now, I have another kick-ass co-worker. And I'm not being sarcastic, here. I love both these girls, and miss working with them now that I'm on 1st shift. So, other kick-ass co-worker (who is not overweight, but loves to eat good food) stated incredulously, "Overeaters Anonymous? Really? For food?" when a commercial came on the radio. It was beyond her radar. Probably in part due to the fact that some of our other co-workers are unabashed compulsive eaters with no interest in stopping.

Food is different than booze or sex or hard drugs. And yet, it's not for so so so many of us. So yeah, I can see why people would question such a concept of a 12 step group for it. Especially since you can go your whole life without another sip of booze, drugs, gambling or (and I know this is hard to believe) sex. But food? Well, you'll die eventually without it.

And yet...

We use and abuse it so much, so frequently, that it does become an addiction for many of us. Whether that is purely psychological or not remains to be seen. I am of the opinion that both physical/chemical and psychological factors play a part, but I'll get into that later.

Have I been to a meeting lately? No. Not in over 2 years. I have some issues with the program I'll get into later, as well as not finding a "home group" in my current city that I feel comfortable with. Also, in case you hadn't heard, I am lazy. Getting up early to drive across town to a Saturday morning OA meeting had very little appeal to me when I got home from work every night at midnight. Now that I am on first shift, I could probably find another evening meeting in town. But honestly, that just occurred to me. JUST NOW. I'm still on a second shift mindset, I guess. Working 2nd shift every third weekend doesn't help. But I digress, as usual. At any rate, although I am not an active member, I kind of consider myself a member for life. Like the folks who call themselves friends of Bill. I guess I'm a friend of Rozanne. And what they tell you about OA ruining food for you forever? Well, it's true. For me, anyway. I will never ever be able to eat something blissfully ignorantly, purely enjoying the high again. Ever. And honestly, it kind of needs to be that way.

So, the last time I dropped a decent amount of weight, and my experience with OA are completely tied together. Then again, all those topics intersect, since they're about me, don't they?

That's all I have for now. Questions are welcome. This will take more than one post to get into, but it's been bugging me for some time to get my truth out there. Especially since there are a lot of conflicting approaches to health and weight loss out there in blogland. It gives a better idea of where I'm coming from and why I believe what I do. Annnnnnnnd why I get so very angry with myself.

Toodles, bebbies!

What the hell do I write about?

2010-10-16T17:42:00.000-04:00

I made a vow/promise/bet/whatever that I'd blog every day up to my birthday (9 DAYS!).
I've got a few ideas bouncing around in my head lately, and after reading your blogs I get MORE ideas.
That being said, sometimes I can't decide what I'd like to write about.

The main focus of this blog is on weight loss and health (namely, mine), but I also like to talk about utter nonsense. And then...I sometimes want to talk about things that are not nonsense, but not exactly weight related. This last category takes a little more thought, and I tend to lack the time to write something I have no problem putting my ~~name~~ pseudonym upon. As much as I love to talk out of my ass, I do have standards for myself and my words.

At any rate, some of these topics keep bouncing around wanting to get out. Things that may piss someone off, things that are hard to think about, things that only make sense in my head. The thing is, they're starting to put dents in the walls of my skull as they keep bouncing around like wicked little superballs. So I kind of want to get them written down, even if that means deleting them later. That does seem a little chicken shit, but I have been known to say things I later regret, so we'll leave that door open for now.

This suddenly seems very self-important and like I am highly read and people wait with baited breath about what I'll say next. Hmmm. Not so much.

So here's some of the subjects in no particular order. If anyone could give me a hint about what I should write about next, I'd love to hear it.

-My last big trip down the scale.
-My experience with OA
-That horrible woman I no longer work with that taught me a big lesson.
-The baby thing.
-Why I'll never be a doctor.
-???

So that's that. I have a strong feeling I will get ZERO comments about this. If so, I'll just start talking out of my ass some more and pick one at random.

On the health front, I ran again today. Knocked 4 minutes off the amount of time I took to do 5K last time. Which was, uh, Tuesday? Yesterday (Friday) did not cover the distance of a 5K.
Still not enough running without walking, but we're getting there. And by "we," I mean me and the voices in my head that alternate between telling me to keep going until the end of the song and "you need to keep going whore, you can't stop now. You went longer than this last time." Sometimes the voices are a little caustic.
We're our own worst critics and all that.

And now? I have to get back to work. Yep, another 2nd shift. Another tomorrow, too. Bleh. At least I have a kickass weekend work partner. She rules.

Enjoy your Saturday, kids!

Another Hot 100 Update:Week 2...2...2...(that's supposed to be an echo)

2010-10-15T14:14:00.000-04:00

Today's Hot 100 update...
Well, I seem to have left myself not enough time to do a decent post, but I want to get this down.
I work 2nd shift tonight at work, so if I get time, I'll edit this to make it more "meaty."
Bare bones:
1. Just got back from my 3rd run of the week. Not too pleased with the quality, but I'll take that over sitting on my ass and making it spread. The weight has been fluctuating up and down around the 166-168 area all week. But this could be my good friend, sodium, at work. I'm still plugging away though, and moving my jiggly hindquarters to get me some good sweating and red faced-ness (of a baboon's ass), so this one goes in the W column for me.
2. Water: WIN. Drinking lots of it well over 64 oz. per day and making that freakish noise at least once or twice around the husband to creep him out. W.
3. Husband laughter. Apparently I didn't realize how much I actually Do make him laugh until I really paid attention. Win for me.
4. House-ness. I have been more useful than last week, but my yard still looks shitty. This is probably going to require a drastic decrease in intarwebs time, so if I don't spread my sprinkles on your blog or visit new ones, it's only because I need to get my shit together on the house front. We'll call this one a tick on the W and L columns.
5. Home cooking. WIN. We got some take out Chinese last night. HELLO SODIUM. I ate half and the rest will be dinner tonight at work. So since last Friday=6 dinnners not bought. Score! W. This has brought me more satisfaction than I thought it would. Bueno.
6. Better physical shape than last Friday? Yep. As I said before, today's run: not my finest ~~hour~~ 38 minutes, But overall, and even today, for that matter, I am in better physical shape than last Friday. W.

So there you have it. My Oct 15th Hot 100 update.
Time to shower, yo.

Eh....

2010-10-14T20:56:00.000-04:00

I am not feeling very inspired to write this evening. I know you're all just crushed!
Food was fine, too much sodium, probably, so an up scale tomorrow is likely.
Still fat, but not obese. No changes there. Being not fat is another 35+ lbs away, so being fat is going to be a descriptor for me for a while longer. Did some domestic stuff like cleaning here and there. Ran around like a fool vacuuming today. When I vacuum, I get a bit obsessed, so I actually worked up a bit of a sweat. I'm a spaz sometimes, what can I say? And between my hair and two cats' hair...well we could make someone a very ugly toupee with what we leave on the floor. Husband shaves his head, so I can't even pretend it's his.
I will also have a Hot 100 update tomorrow.
Until then, have some pictures:

Wordless Wednesday...ha ha j/k I can't keep my mouth shut!

2010-10-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

Or fingers untyping (???)
But let's try anyway:

Baked Garlic Butternut Squash. AKA Dinner. It may taste like ass (doubtful), but damn, my house smells divine.

I have not bought any food this week. Today I got a Coke Zero out of a vending machine at work. The first purchase I have made all week. Poverty pays! See what I did there? Because I don't. Was that an oxymoron, or irony???

Thanks for all the love for my sweaty red face, yesterday. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Really!

Oh, and regarding the jogging with less girth thing, I just looked up my weight on the Wii for the day I ran my 1st (and only, so far) 5K. I weighed 181.0. Yesterday morning (oh, and fuck you, water retention), I was 168.0. For the record, I was 166.9 this morning.
Still not my lowest, but not the worst EVAR. So yeah, 13 lbs less fat to carry.
Ick. Only 13 lbs less in 5 months. How lame. 3 of those months were spent running very rarely thanks to my pussing out over the heat. So yeah, eat less AND move more. That being said, if you look at King Allan of the mathematizing, you will see (and math doesn't lie, kids) it is less easy to drop weight as you get lighter. I swear he had a chart, but now I can't find it. *Shrug*
STILL, I must keep working, yo. NO slacking, just because I'm wearing smaller pants (or I would if my cheap ass would buy them).
At any rate, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.
And if you can tell me who said that, you're as old as me. Or damned close to it. MUAHAHAHA!
Later kids,
Me

A 5K-ish

2010-10-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

Today I had a good run. In some ways it was brutal. I still haven't recaptured that kickass run I had almost 2 weeks ago in the morning before work. But not unlike an alcoholic, junkie, compulsive eater, ~~or serial killer~~, I'm going to keep running to see if I can capture the excellence of that run again.
I did the distance of 5K and ran more of it than I have before. Unfortunately, I only ran about 21 minutes before I needed a 3 minute walk break. That's okay though. The bitch part of me that says that I used to go 30 minutes without walking was silenced by the thought that I may be going faster/harder when I run, so the 21 minutes is different than the 21 minutes back in May. All I know is that there's at least 10 less lbs of fat on my ass since May, so I'm not completely rationalizing here. There is less to carry, so I think there's something to it.

Without further ado, because I like posting unflattering pictures of myself on the internet, here's some more red-faced runner pictures and to show Dr. Fatty and the other Hot 100-ers I'm working better this week:

I have no idea what that white shit is on my hallway bathroom mirror. DON'T BE A PERVERT.
It seems that my husband and I are very aggressive hand washers. We work in healthcare, it goes with the territory.

And another piece of evidence that this cat is batshit crazy. She likes to get on the sink. She also tries to sit on my lap while I pee. And yeah, the shirt's a little roomy. It's supposed to be short sleeved, but it belongs to my husband, and I have T-Rex arms. True story. I wanted a white shirt so I wouldn't get hit by a car while running at dusk. But I didn't want one that would ride up over my still big ass. Instead it looks like I'm running pants-less. Now those are some happy pants, indeed.
And no, I don't have damage to my 7th cranial nerve. But I do know people who've had (and recovered from) it, ~~so I"m not just being an asshole~~! That's just my "hrmmmmm" face. I make it a lot.

So today's post is short and sweet. Like me! Har. Well, we're both short, anyway.
Night kids!

Another post stolen from myself. Re:gratefulness

2010-10-11T19:34:00.000-04:00

Today I am grateful for my Grandpa Bern. Today would be his 92nd birthday. Now that I'm an adult, I'd love to hear his take on things.

I only had him for 12 years, but he gave me plenty of things, not the least of which included the following:

The certainty that farts are funny.

The knowledge that God made certain foods blue, so you'd know not to eat them.

The ability to test well on standardized tests.

Dollars for me and my cousin, Mo, whereas the boy cousins only got quarters. (*SUCKAS!*)

The notion that my name is also Clyde

And possibly most importantly, Grandpa Bern gave me the ability to spot an @$$hole at 20 paces.

Chuga Chuga Woo Woo!

2010-10-10T20:43:00.000-04:00

My train has run out of steam for the night. But I leave you with this:

And then a little something from Oscar that I need to do more often.

But if forgiveness doesn't work, there's always this:

Have a good night kids.

And the little piggy cried Wii Wii Wii, all the way home...

2010-10-09T19:00:00.000-04:00

Today, the Wii worked in my favor. Weird, because when I stepped on, I thought to myself, hmmmm I feel a bit like a bloated cow right now.
But no, it registered my lowest weight thus far. Did I really lose 2.6 lbs since yesterday? Only if it was in pee. Regardless, I still watched my food and went running today. Success.
Oh and I cooked dinner. Lame, but cooked, nonetheless. Water is good (thanks to the running, I was mighty thirsty). House stuff, not bad. Found some missing papers, and threw a bunch of shit away while doing that, and got laundry put away. Dishwasher unloaded, reloaded, run and unloaded again.
Exciting shit, naw, but it is living up to my Hot 100 challenge, so there.

Back to the paper grind, y'all.

I may have lost my mind...or maybe it's the lack of blood flow to my brain

2010-10-09T12:21:00.005-04:00

But here's a picture of me, post run.
Just so you know I'm not blowing smoke up your asses about exercising...
Oooooooh you can see my face. So much for anonymity. If the good Dr. can do it, I feel a little safer, letting you see my crazy mug. No I don't have an Adam's apple. Looks like it though, doesn't it.

Yes, my face gets very red when I run. It looks especially striking compared to the rest of my white Irish skin. An Irish Catholic who doesn't tan and a foul mouth. Could we be any more stereotypical? I think not.

That's my cat behind me seeing something pretty damned interesting, apparently.
Looks like the mirror can use a cleaning, but considering its location (leaning against something until we hang it), it will do.
I could sit here all day and pick out all the flaws in this picture, but I have other shit to do, so I'll leave it to you.
More later? Perhaps...

Hot 100 update for Oct 8th

2010-10-08T16:53:00.000-04:00

As you may know, I'm participating in this Hot 100 Challenge.
Because it's Friday, it's time to post an update.
My original goals are Nya.
So here's how I'm doing.
1. Weigh 155 or less by Dec. 31st.
Well, it appears that this week has been a daily gain, loss, loss, loss, gain...yeah. All of about 1 lb in either direction. But I peed a lot today, so we'll see tomorrow. Obviously, I'm not yet to 155.
2. See #1 re: the peeing. I have peed a lot today and have been thirsty and draaaanking some serious agua. So the amount I'm consuming may negate my excessive micturition, but again, we'll see.
Every day I have gotten at least 64 oz. of water. YAY!
3. Make the boy LOL at least once a day. I think I have accomplished this. Maybe I should start putting what I did or said to cause it. But it's hard to remember if I took my pills this morning (hello, daily pill spots!).
Therefore, remembering the exact source of funnies is asking a lot. May have to use the Twitter for that.
4. House shit. Ah, no. I have been utterly useless around mi casa. Except for cooking, I've done dick in the domesticity department.
5. Home cooking/cereal pouring. FAIL. I ate at a restaurant 2 nights this week. One night was kind of extenuating circumstances, but still...The original 4 nights of cooking, yes. Six nights of no paid meals, not so much.
6. Better shape than I was last Friday....ehhhhhhhh. I'm going with no. I'm tired and cranky and need to go run. So I'm thinking I am in worse shape than last week. Shame on me.

So there you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly for me and this week's Hot 100 update

I am looking forward to tomorrow though. I'm hoping to turn my inertia train around a bit.
Now pardon me while I go eat my dinner of Cheerios.

A picture is worth...some words...

2010-10-07T20:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I did some things, like working and some grocery shopping and making dinner . But who gives a fuck about that? Not interesting. Unless you count buying detergent, paper towels, milk, and cheese interesting. As much as cheese is ~~a seductive whore~~ delicious, I do not count buying it as interesting.
I also needed an excuse to use that graphic. Today works.
Food and H2O were okay. I waited too long to eat lunch, and was ready to cut a bitch when I finally ate. I have yet to master that. Made the boy laugh. Didn't maim myself with hot pepper juice today. All in all, not bad.

And now I think I will turn in early. Last night I didn't sleep for shit. My hands actually were hurting enough to wake me up. Freaky. This did cement my fear of death by fire. Sigh...
My ability to maim myself evolves in such fantastic ways that I even amaze myself.
Alas, 'tis genetic, so I'll just try to keep the damage to a minimum.

Sometimes I am really stupid...other times...just kind of...

2010-10-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

Pro-Tip:
When people in the know tell you not to touch yourself anywhere after chopping fresh jalapenos, oh and use gloves while chopping them... LISTEN.
I now know where every tiny cut on my hands are, and I thought my face was going to literally burst into flames after (without even realizing it) I touched my nose and mouth.
All you pro chefs out there can quit your laughing NOW. So for all you who haven't been told or learned this the hard way, listen to those experts. They aren't just talking shit. And they aren't woosies. They speak truth. Painful hot burninating truth.
*smacks forehead with very clean oil free hands*
Also: Wordpress is being bitchy at the moment, so I'm sharing my gratefulness again, today, here:

I am grateful for this golfball. It rolls and bounces in the back of our my little black Danger Ranger truck.

Sometimes my husband and I forget it's there, until we come to a stop and hear it bouncing jauntily in the truck bed.

And we smile.

It's on my to do list.

2010-10-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

So I'm thinking I may welsh (welch?) on the agreement that I pass on that cute little award to 6 more people. Not until later in the week. I'm dragging ass. This may or may not have something to do with my body's ability to bleed for 5 days and not die. Not sure.
Welcome to all of you who followed me from the Hot 100 challenge. I'm not your typical weight loss blogger...or am I???
At any rate, there's this thing going around with some people I read regarding gratitude. A photo a day for each day of the month showing gratitude/thankfulness/not taking shit for granted and celebrating the little joys.
I joined in, because...well, I need to look at the bright side as much as I can, plus it's fun, plus it may help me become more pleasant, and who can't use that?
I post on Facebook and a new Wordpress site, but use my real name, so I didn't bother linking it.
I wonder if the anonymity is worth worrying about, but whatever.

But for today.....I thought I'd bring some gratitude HERE:

Today, October 5th, I am glad I look like this in my scrubs:

Instead of this:

Fat Guy in a Little Cooooooooat. R.I.P Chris Farley

And if you haven't seen Tommy Boy, I'm very sorry. Because "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" is the shit.

Anyway...
Yes, that is my crackhead cat sneaking into my photo, and yes I need scrubs that fit. That shirt was too tight last year. The pants fit just right last year. Not so much, anymore.
My birthday and Christmas are coming, so at some point I'll get scrubs that fit. *snort*
Meanwhile, they're damned cozy. I just look like I should be hopping on trains or something.

I'll take it, though.
Water consumption good, husband laughter good, weight lowest so far, 165.8 el-bees.
Cooking 6 of 7 nights =FAIL. I ate healthily, just not at home. I'll keep trying...must conserve $$$, anyway.

My so very exciting life

2010-10-04T20:47:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am watching Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs with my husband for the first time.
Yes, we are both 34 years old.
Remember those old tv shows that showed when a circus animal suddenly decided it had had enough of the trainer's bullshit and acted like the wild animal it was??? When Animals Attack...or something equally dramatic...
I think another appropriate name for this flick would be WHEN FOOD ATTACKS.
Except food isn't a wild animal. Not after it's cooked, anyway. It doesn't have instincts, it doesn't impose its will upon us. It doesn't want to kill and devour us.
However...
If we devour too much of it, we're dead.
We abnormal eaters sure know how to turn shit around, don't we?

Hey Wii Fit, I peed.

2010-10-03T19:52:00.000-04:00

AMAZINGLY, I weighed myself today and had lost 3.1 lbs, according to the Wii Fit.
So ridiculous.
At least it's a loss.
Fact: Wii Fit will fuck with your head.
Fact: I'm still going to weigh daily.
Fact: I'm kind of grumpy.
Fact: I'll get over it.

Daily Post=FAIL

2010-10-03T15:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I didn't post yesterday. I was kind of busy with my Dad's birthday and some other travel plans that essentially meant I ran out of time.
It was the goal I set out to do myself, not as part of a challenge, so I feel less guilty.
That being said, I'll try to post something else later today to make up for it.
For now, here's a cat:

P.S. I'm a punk

2010-10-01T19:03:00.002-04:00

I am also going to name the other six people I want to pass the Happiness award to. Eventually.
Sadly, I am at a loss for time. And by time, I mean the time to put the links to their pages and let them know I gave them a pretty little button/badge.
Like I said, I'm a punk.
But while you're here, go look over to the right. Right cha ------->>>
There's a link to some others participating in the Hot 100. Go check it out. Add a few scores of links to your bookmarks or favorites tab. Go on, do it. It's good for you.

O-fficial Hot 100 Update

2010-10-01T18:47:00.002-04:00

So here we have it, my goals to accomplish by December 31st, 2010.
1. Weigh 155 (or less).
2. Drink (at least) 64 oz. of water per day.
3. Make my husband laugh out loud at least once per day.
4. Get my house (with my husband's help) and yard into a state where I am not embarassed for someone to randomly stop by. Ever. Except when I'm naked, but I can always put clothes on.
5. Make, cook, or eat something I cooked and froze, 4 nights a week.
Yes, eating cereal or a peanut butter sandwich for dinner counts for me. :)
6. Be in better physical shape than I am today.

Good luck everyone!

*Edit #5 I'm changing this to 6 nights a week. The husband says the cereal caveat makes 4 nights seem weaker. So 6 nights it is. I'm thinking he has ulterior motives. He likes when I cook, and he hasn't died from it yet, so you know...

I gots me an award!

2010-09-30T21:13:00.000-04:00

The rules for the award:

1. Post who gave the award

2. List 10 things that make me happy

3. Pass on the award to 10 other bloggers

I got this sweet award from the lovely Liz at http://liz-weightlossjournal.blogspot.com/ who found me at the Hot 100 challenge (see that linky button on the side there).

What makes me happy...

1. The fact that with age, I can list more than 10 things that make me happy. This was not always the case.
2. Having a good run (holy shit, did I just say that? ME?).
3. Getting comments on my blog. I'm shy. I crave validation. It's a crazy dichotomy.
4. Good hair days.
5. Forehead kisses from my husband.
6. My insane cats.
7. My current running playlist on the iPod.
8. Rediscovering my shape.
9. Having a pair of heels (aka heel highs) that are spiffy AND that I can walk in with some ease.
10. Them:

They make me think that maybe, just maybe, I could be a mom someday. One way or another, but that's a whole 'nother post :)

Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers...
Touch choices. I follow so many, and so many are already bursting with awards, but let's see...
1. Lucy....aside from the sheer coolness of seeing posts dated a whole day ahead (she's from Oz), there's something...calming to me about her. Go visit!
2. The cutest pants you've ever seen. Go send her some love!
3. Krissie Because, really, do you even have to ask?
4. Tricia She is fantastic. I LOVE her sense of humor. p.s. WRITE SOME MORE TRICIA. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH. Ahem...
5. Just kidding. It is getting to be past my bedtime. Yes I am old, thanks for asking, and I'm having a hard time deciding who to give this to.
I will post the next 6 bloggers tomorrow, along with my official Hot 100 goals.
Later, little darlings.

Dear Wii Fit...2.6 lbs? Really?

2010-09-29T16:33:00.000-04:00

I know we have a love/hate relationship, and right now I'm just going to tell you that today you are on my hate side.
You claimed today that in 24 hours you claim I gained 2.6 lbs. Well let me tell you something, I know the math.
For me to have gained 2.6 lbs in 24 hours I would have had to consume 9100 calories ABOVE my maintenance calorie amount. Pretending for a moment that I am at goal weight and eating maintenance calories, I would need 1375 calories a day to maintain (125*11 for those of you counting). That would mean I ate 10,475 calories yesterday, instead of the 1,717 I actually did consume. Oh, and to maintain my current weight from the day before, I would need 1837 calories. So in reality, at 1717 I am still under my maintenance calories for my current weight.
That means sweet fuck all if I want to lose weight with any quickness, I grant you, but it does not mean a gain of 2.6 pounds of fat (or muscle). It's called water retention, bitch. I made the mistake of eating a sodium laden dinner. But 2.6 lbs of lard? Really, Wii Fit? I think not.
So you can kiss my bloated ass, Wii Fit. You just wait until my hormones re-adjust, I pee out a million gallons of that so called fat and take a big poop (yeah I went there). We'll see who's laughing then.
Love,
My Fat Irish Ass.

Gratuitous pussy shots, inquire within...

2010-09-28T19:49:00.000-04:00

You had to know it would be a cat. That's Norbie. This is usually the way she looks at me. Or anyone.
Many years ago, my then boyfriend, now husband, asked if we could name our first child Norbert. He didn't even specify gender. I said no. But I was willing to let the first pet have that name.
Sometime later, we encountered free kittens. This one was the runt and wouldn't stop mewing. Not meow, it sounded like mew. Except when my boy held her. Then she got quiet and happy. He was in love...He asked if he could keep it. He had his own place and I didn't live there, but she was still "our" cat.
The kitty was a she (now an it), but we named her Norbert, anyway. We call her Norbie. Some call her Norberta, but her first name was Norbert.

This is Merlin in a rare moment of stillness while not asleep. She likes the Wii balance board.
Yes, that is my pink Snuggie above her head.
Again, someone's cat got knocked up and we decided we wanted a second child. Or rather, we wanted a kitten. You know, how people get baby fever and have more kids. EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
Her (or it, again) original name was to be Houdini, or Dini for short, because she always managed to escape wherever she was in her home of birth. She also managed to escape the box we brought her home in, shortly after we put it down and stopped holding it shut. However, the next night while I was at work, the husband decided he liked the name Merlin better. It does fit better, and it's funny when people think we're saying "Marilyn" like Cleveland on Family Guy would say.

This is her usual posture. What are you doing? What's that clicky thing? Hey there! Hey there! Hey there!
She likes to pester Norbie. A lot. They fight like sisters. Daily.
I'm pretty sure Norbie is still pissed at us for bringing Merlin home.

Food going good. I turned down Gumbo Ya-Ya today. If you're a local, you know that I was indeed sacrificing. I still think Bourbon and Toulouse is better, though.

Water all drank, drunk, drinken. Yeahhhhh.

Husband laughter, check. It may have been due to me pulling a dick move while driving home. May have been.

Tomorrow I am to have dinner with my running inspirer. I'm stoked, and not just because I love Qdoba. Though the fact that I can fit it into my calories is a big selling point for them. I do have to budget those calories for my day, and I can no longer get a fully loaded burrito the length of my forearm (I do have T-Rex arms, but it'still a big damn burrito). Naked burritos with beans and no cheese or sour cream and pico de gallo, are teh win, however.
She's so cool. And she's one of those genuinely kind but not boring people (you know what I'm talking about, right? The boring nice people?) who are just awesome. I'll try to act civilized. For me.

Night kids.

Monday's are better when you have the day off.

2010-09-27T20:30:00.001-04:00

Just sayin'.
Got some shit done around the house. Not enough (as usual), but some. I have clean laundry. In spades!
As far as the Hot 100 goes...
1. Working on it. Obviously I don't instantaneously lose 12.5 lbs, since I declared that goal yesterday. Wouldn't that be awesome, though? I know, right?

*here's the part you with the penii can skip*

So, I get my little visitor this week. This means I crave insane amounts of salt (I am not going to eat shit, but I will have to fight the urge to DUMP salt on food, and I tend to make saltier food choices)...and thus am thirstier...and drink lots of water..and make that badass throat noise while I guzzle that water. Then again, I'm more paranoid about that lovely water retention reflecting itself in the scale numbers, so maybe I'll be smarter this time. Woah. I think I just bored myself.
Anyway, between hormones affecting my mood (maybe) and my fluid levels (maybe), there's no fucking telling how I'll feel this week. But I am going to eat cleanly and then ~~bitch~~ marvel at how my body doesn't care and will do what it wants this week, regardless.

*now you can come back, penii*

2. The h20. Done. Probably more like 72 oz, but who's counting?

3. Not sure about the husband laughter conquest. He did not guffaw, but there was laughter.
However, we have not yet gone to bed.
See, we spoon when we fall asleep, and I cuddle up behind him. Makes you want to vomit, yes?
Weird since I'm the short one, but it works for us. But if he's behind me, once he falls asleep, his big monkey arms become dead weight and I'm trapped. And this girl likes to shift in her sleep.
One of the things I do...Not that, he's not laughing then. Giggity... that makes him shake the bed with laughter is I shoot about a foot backwards when I feel him gearing up to rip ass. It's akin to someone jumping when you surprise them and yell, "Boo!". Except I'm scooting away from his ass gas. This also reduces the possiblity of a dutch oven maneuver on his part (aka "wanna play turtle?").
You're welcome. You have now been introduced to my bedroom.
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In other news, I saw this yesterday. It was most excellent. Complicated plot? No. Lines of dialogue that bear repeating ad nauseum? Not really. Horrible acting and overacting? Yup.
Lots of shit blowing up, shooting and knife play with violence that goes beyond ridiculous? Yes!!! It was so gratuitous, I literally LOL'd. Danny Trejo is THE MAN.

Well, that's all I have right now. Night kids.

Dear Blogger: You suck.

2010-09-27T02:03:00.000-04:00

I am getting close to giving up on Blogger altogether. I get stupid freezy errors, my comments disappear sometimes, and I have to keep logging in over and over again on some days. Other days, it goes off without a hitch.
WTF, Blogger?
I am thisclose to going to Wordpress or some shit. Unfortunately, I have no 1337 webpage design skills and have no extra scratch to throw toward the fella who's been reviving blogs out there lately. I think that's this guy in blogland??? No, I'm not trying to get a freebie. Just figured I would give a shout out to a fellow fat fighter. <3
Anyway, it has my panties in a bunch. Ouch. So, Blogger, you're safe for now, but you're on my shit list. Again.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLs

2010-09-26T22:27:00.001-04:00

I may just be typing to dead air, but here I go anyway...
Is anyone even reading this? Besides my husband?
*crickets*
So.
Once again, I am yapping about the Hot 100 challenge by South Beach Steve.
I've decided on some goals. I say "some" because I may add to this tomorrow...up to Friday, October 1st. That's the goal deadline day, y'see.

1. Be in the 50's. The 150's, that is. I told Tony on Facebook in August that I wanted it to be 20 lbs gone by Dec 31st (which would put me at about 152 since I was about 172-ish for most of August), but I'm afraid that might be too much to ask. Is this a cop out? Possibly. HEY ALLAN! IS THIS A COP-OUT?
For the record, this morning I was exactly the same as yesterday. Weird. But that's 168.2, per the Wii.
So what's that? 16.2 lbs instead of 20. Hmmmm. That's 8.3 (to be in the 150's) vs 16.2. Why don't we shoot for the middle and say 12.5 lbs gone?
I'd like to weigh 155.5 (or less, duh) by December 31st.

2. Drink my 64 oz. of H2O EVERY DAY. Even if that means standing in my kitchen at 9:30 pm with one of my gigantor red coke cups (5 finger discount courtesy of baby brother-in-law and one of his MANY restaurant jobs-Thanks Buffalo Bob's!). And maybe (if I can figure out how) I'll even record the sound that freaks out the husband when I guzzle water. Sometimes a girl gets thirsty. *shrug*

3. Related: The husband. I talk about him all the time. Well, one of the things about our relationship, a key thing, actually, is that he makes me laugh. A lot. A lot lot lot. I stated to him the other day that I see it as a sort of conquest when I make him laugh. Because for every 10 times one of us is making the other laugh, I'd say I'm the one making him laugh (like LAUGH, not smirk, I make him smirk more) maybe 1 time out of that 10. O-N-E out of 10. So, my goal is to make him laugh at least one time every single day between now and December 31st.
When he laughs, I laugh. Laughing burns calories, so there's your healthiness tie-in.

Oh, and I am still going to post something daily until my birthday.

P.S. Dear Mr. Me, I know you get my blog posts in your RSSSSSSSS feeds. I know you. Please do not do your damnedest NOT to laugh at all during the next 98 days just because I am making it a daily goal to make you laugh at least once a day. Because I know you, I also know you are now grinning like a monkey at the thought of such treachery.
XOXOXO,
Mrs. Me

It's not stealing if you give credit, right?

2010-09-25T22:08:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think I don't have a single original thought in this giant head of mine (my family has notoriously large heads yaknow).
I am a quote whore and love to spew forth nonsense from various sources (see disclaimer at the top of this page regarding talking out of my ass). What makes me unique? Well, I guess that would be in the way I jumble these things together. Enough. On to the credit...
First and foremost: For the idea of making a list-y post today. Go visit her. I would love to pound beers with this girl. Bud Select 55, of course. Actually this post is more jumpy and less list-y, but you get my point.

Now then.
I cannot take credit for this either, but a certain lady celebrated her recent birthday for a month and had some awesome guest posts. That being said, I'm not soliciting guest posters. I'm just taking her birthday related theme. See, today is September 25th. My 35th birthday is in one month, which would make it.....that's right: October 25th.
So I think what I'd like to do is post every day until my birthday. Now these posts could be happy (like the pants) or sad (I'm getting old, yo.) or introspective (maybe?) or earth shattering (not likely). OR just some cute lol cats, because if you don't know about lolcats, you're missing out.

Also...as I said before, I'm doing the Hot 100 challenge. I still don't know what goals I'm going for because in spite of my ~~blatant ripping off of ideas~~ inspiration from others, I'd like to do something specific to me. Like one of my favorite ginger snaps is doing. Like maybe flat iron my hair every day or something equally ridiculous sounding to those of you with penii, but not to those of us with wavy, frizz prone hair.
Luckily I have a few days to pop in with Steve, and list the goals here. October 1st is the deadline, even though we're now to 98 days, nearly 97, left.

So that's what's shaking with me, besides my rear end when Baby Got Back is playing. Don't hate. It's one of the best big booty songs EVER. Ahem.

Later, kids. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

A Wii bit of pictures

2010-09-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

See what I did there? I made a punny. *I feel so dirty now* And not in a good way. Anyhow...

This is what I saw today. I am living in overweight land right now. I flirt with obese land when I am eating too much salt or not being diligent with mah food. So, both, essentially. Salt, you are a foul delicious temptress.

But it looks prettier when you look at it like this:

That's the weight graph, obviously. I am slinking my way into the 160's. For all my big talk about scooting out of 170's with the quickness, I ended up sitting in the land of 170-172 for 2 months. This is what happens when we don't run, kids.

Now this one right 'cha? This brings me some happy for the pants. The "goal" is just something the Wii Fit makes you do. My real goal is normal weight, but the Wii would only let me lose 22 lbs max. Sadly, I need to lose more to have a normal weight. But only 40 more, so it's better than what it was.

Look at that purty little yellow splotch down there. She taunts me.

And if I want to see that I don't completely suck and have made some progress, while still having a way to go, I look at this one:

This is no Allan, Chris, Jack, or Tony action (plus many others I am surely forgetting), but I will take that 35+ lb loss over the 75+ I had to lose, thank you very much.

In other news, I am looking to join the Hot 100 challenge. Not shockingly, I got word of it later than some others, basically by seeing some of the people I follow doing it. And I wasn't following the fella behind it. This has since been remedied.
I'm not sure what my goals are yet, other than being less fat. Duh.
I know some people don't believe in challenges because this is to be a permanent change, but it seems kind of fun to me and could have some blogger bonding potential. And my social skills can always use improvement. Just sayin'

A horse is a horse, of course, of course...

2010-09-24T12:33:00.001-04:00

I get to work this weekend. Second shift. Yay. I don't care, really, except this is opening weekend for the World Equestrian Games. Or the WEG, as we like to call them round these parts.
It should be interesting, but not for reasons most might think. I don't know much about horses. Nor have I ever ridden one. That's right, I live in the "horse capital of the world," and have never gotten on a horse.
Meh.
I am talking about interesting of the, WTF? variety. There is so much ego tied up in these "horse olympics," and a staggering amount of half-assery involved in the planning . I am curious to see how it all falls out. At any rate, I have been dreading them for some time, merely due to the aforementioned half-assery involved in planning that often occurs at my particular place of business. That being said, the rumor is that we shall be adequately supplied with the bodily fluids traumas often require of us. The funny thing is, I am relatively unconcerned for the equestrians themselves. It does seem like every year at the Rolex 3 day event someone gets hurt pretty badly, though not unable to recover eventually. And the likelihood of a Christopher Reeve style accident worries me a bit, because, really, that sucks beyond belief, and you can't tell me it doesn't. However, what gives me true pause is the sheer (supposed) influx of people. More people=more potential for behavior that lands them in my hospital.
People in my city are really shitty drivers. Everyone says that, but I have had a number of people from other states comment on the sheer asshattery of our drivers. Couple this with visitors who know you GO when the light turns green, instead of chilling for a moment, and you're going to see some butts getting bumped with the frequency of the dance floor of one of my family weddings.
So say a prayer for all the visitors and locals that the next three weeks are safe and fun and result in more happy and less, WTF.